The thoughts that will soon pour onto this
page have been rumbling through my head for going on 8 months now. One minute,
I want to shout this from the rooftop and another I feel like it’s no one’s
damn business besides my own. For a few months, I’d come to terms with the idea
that this was not an announcement worth making to the internet but after hours
upon days upon months of careful consideration, I have come to realize just how
important this next sentence could be not only for myself, but anyone else who
reads it.
I am an alcoholic.
Two years ago, driving home from a baby
shower, wasted, I totaled my car. The following day I stepped into the rooms of
a well-known 12-Step meeting for the first time ever. Unfortunately, that stint
didn’t stick. I lasted a whopping 32 days in the rooms before I decided my
relationship with alcohol was not yet over. I went back to the 12 Steps about a
year late for approximately 1 week. Yet again, I wasn’t ready to be sober. It
wasn’t until April 10th of 2019 that I decided I needed those 12 Steps in my
life and was ready to stop drinking. This time, nothing as catastrophic or
crazy happened. Nothing other than I’d had yet another guy tell me that he
didn’t want to be in a relationship with me and I decided to numb the pain that
comes with a breakup with a bottle (or two) of wine. Downing an entire bottle+
of wine per night was becoming a fairly normal part of my daily routine. I
might go a day or two throughout the week where I’d only have a glass or two,
but a bottle didn’t last in my home much longer than 24 hours.
When I realized how bad my drinking had
gotten, I had this very odd outer body experience where I could see myself
sitting on the couch, slouched over from being so drunk. I could see how pale
green and droopy my skin was. It had happened a couple of times in the past 2-3
years where I’d start vomiting in my sleep; sometimes someone was there to wake
me up, and at least once, no one was there but someone or something was
watching over me and I’d be lying on my side and the vomit would land on the
floor rather than choking me to death. I knew if I didn’t stop drinking, it was
only a matter of time where someone would find me in a pool of my own vomit (or
worse) after a night of out of control drinking.
The first 3 months of sobriety were such a
rollercoaster. One minute, I’d feel on top of the world and would want to tell
everyone I knew that I was getting sober and wanted to help anyone I could from
ever consuming a drop of alcohol ever again. Then there would be times where I
would scream cry in rage at the fact that I’d had such a rough, frustrating day
and I couldn’t relieve those feelings with a glass (or bottle) of Trader Joe’s
two buck chuck (my personal drink of choice).
There are certain things one is not supposed
to talk about as it pertains to previously mentioned well known 12-Step
program and while I respect the
principles that Bill has put in place for us drunks, if it weren’t for my other
sober friends being so open about their sobriety, I don’t know that I would
have had it in me to even make it to my first meeting [back]. Which is exactly
why these words are out in the open for you and anyone else to read. I hope
that if anyone I know (or don’t know) is struggling with addiction, you read
this knowing that you are not alone, and that sobriety isn’t as bad as you
might think.
Thank you to the people I knew from my past who have been open about their substance abuse issues (and their recovery), you helped get me
here today. To the family I’ve been able to open up to about this, thank you
for loving me in spite of the hot mess I was and will undoubtedly continue to
be, even through sobriety. To the people who were hurt as a result of my
drinking, I’m sorry. I owe a great deal of people a longer more thoughtful apology
and hope to have the opportunity to do that someday.
To anyone reading this who has ever tried or
even just considered getting sober, I hope for your sake as well as all of your
loved ones around you, that you can find the strength. I won’t lie to you, some
days are really, really hard. Some days you’re going to want to say, “fuck it”,
and go pick up the bottle. But when you’re ready to fight back against all of
that and try this way of life, even if it’s just one day at a time, I will be
here for you if you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell
at or laugh with… Whatever you might be feeling in that moment.
Not every day is sunshine and roses now just
because I quit drinking. But as I sit here and write this on the 255th day of
my sobriety, all I have is gratitude for everything that led me here and
infinite gratitude for everything that has kept me here.
If you were someone who needed to read these
words to have the courage to walk into a meeting, I’m thankful this hit
home for you. If you are a normy who doesn’t need to work a program to keep
your drinking at bay, say a prayer for the rest of us who do need this and be
thankful it’s kept us alive.
