There's a lot to this post's title.
For one, I just realized I have re-watched the same episode of Shameless three times now which may or may not mean that I've consumed entirely too much alcohol over the last 5 days. I'll let your imagination be the judge.
Shameless (the U.S. version) has been brought to my attention by way of my boss at the spa I now work at and I seriously cannot get enough. I feel like it's a legit addiction and that I am seriously a part of these peoples lives. When I don't watch an episode a day, I feel my life is missing something and I fear for the day when I come to the end of what Netflix has to offer.
Moving on...
My life feels so good right now, yet I know it is so far from it. Or is it? I worry way too much about what other people think about me, my life decisions, my financial situation, my love life, my work life. Any of it. All of it.
As of this past Saturday (10/29/16), I am the happiest I've ever known myself to be- yet there is still SO much NOT going right.
I don't blog near as much my heart and hands wish I would- but if you read this (does anyone ever read this? I can't help but wonder if anyone EVER stumbles across this since I certainly don't promote it anymore), you know I went through a painful breakup shortly after turning 30 (so almost two years ago!!).
If you had told me then that that man would ever be back in my life in a significant way, I never would have believed you. I was so upset over how things ended, even though it was I who made it all happen.
Now here I sit, in a apartment that is ours. Yet I have no idea what this means for our relationship or if it means anything at all. I love him so fiercely and when all these plans to live together came about, I had convinced myself that he was not maybe "the one" but most definitely was the end all be all.
Six days later, I am still thankful that he is a major part of my life but now, I wonder... Is this really my life? Why do I have to love him? He started drinking at 1pm and it was a struggle for him to not start even earlier. His alcohol dependency/addiction/adoration was a huge reason why the girl he dated after me broke up with him. At first, I thought perhaps she was being too harsh with him. Now? Now I think she may be right. She may be on to something. I worry about him. About his liver. About his health and overall well being. Jesus... I sound like a battered woman. Fighting for a man who has done her wrong so many times, yet still goes back for more TIME and TIME again. Is it true that we can't help who we love? The heart wants what the heart wants? What is it with him!? Why the fuck do I love him so much? He is so NOT the man I pictured myself to be with, yet I cannot imagine living without him right now and I am SO thankful that we are in this year long lease together so we can now figure out what the fuck we are supposed to do together.
He is in the next room sleeping and all I want to do is go in there, wake him up, and say all of this to him. But I can't. I am so fearful of his rejection that I walk on eggshells everyday just to keep up with whatever ounce of an actual relationship we may have going on.
The night we discussed the idea of moving in together, he confessed that four weeks prior, our "relationship" had gotten a point that felt like a real relationship again and he liked it. So naturally, he freaked out and went radio silent, as you do when you think you might be in love with someone... I, on the other hand, felt the same, yet chose to embrace it. It was the first time ever in my entire romantic life that I had allowed myself to truly be in a casual relationship and didn't care much about how slow it was progressing (probably because I could see that it was progressing). I love(d) this fool so much I was wiling to put my own selfishness of wanting to move things along quicker, aside.
Like I said before, shameless... These are life moments I am not supposed to be proud of, and I realize that, yet I'm currently happy. And honestly... that scares me. Considering the very literal breakdown I had back in August, the very opposite feeling of utter happiness feels more than a little strange.
Why can't life just show its cards and tell me what the hell my future holds. How long is this happiness wave going to last? I'm just waiting for the crash down. Please dear god let it be as slow and gentle as the rise.
