Shameless

There's a lot to this post's title.
For one, I just realized I have re-watched the same episode of Shameless three times now which may or may not mean that I've consumed entirely too much alcohol over the last 5 days. I'll let your imagination be the judge.

Shameless (the U.S. version) has been brought to my attention by way of my boss at the spa I now work at and I seriously cannot get enough. I feel like it's a legit addiction and that I am seriously a part of these peoples lives. When I don't watch an episode a day, I feel my life is missing something and I fear for the day when I come to the end of what Netflix has to offer.

Moving on...

My life feels so good right now, yet I know it is so far from it. Or is it? I worry way too much about what other people think about me, my life decisions, my financial situation, my love life, my work life. Any of it. All of it.

As of this past Saturday (10/29/16), I am the happiest I've ever known myself to be- yet there is still SO much NOT going right.

I don't blog near as much my heart and hands wish I would- but if you read this (does anyone ever read this? I can't help but wonder if anyone EVER stumbles across this since I certainly don't promote it anymore), you know I went through a painful breakup shortly after turning 30 (so almost two years ago!!).
If you had told me then that that man would ever be back in my life in a significant way, I never would have believed you. I was so upset over how things ended, even though it was I who made it all happen.
Now here I sit, in a apartment that is ours. Yet I have no idea what this means for our relationship or if it means anything at all. I love him so fiercely and when all these plans to live together came about, I had convinced myself that he was not maybe "the one" but most definitely was the end all be all.

Six days later, I am still thankful that he is a major part of my life but now, I wonder... Is this really my life? Why do I have to love him? He started drinking at 1pm and it was a struggle for him to not start even earlier. His alcohol dependency/addiction/adoration was a huge reason why the girl he dated after me broke up with him. At first, I thought perhaps she was being too harsh with him. Now? Now I think she may be right. She may be on to something. I worry about him. About his liver. About his health and overall well being. Jesus... I sound like a battered woman. Fighting for a man who has done her wrong so many times, yet still goes back for more TIME and TIME again. Is it true that we can't help who we love? The heart wants what the heart wants? What is it with him!? Why the fuck do I love him so much? He is so NOT the man I pictured myself to be with, yet I cannot imagine living without him right now and I am SO thankful that we are in this year long lease together so we can now figure out what the fuck we are supposed to do together.

He is in the next room sleeping and all I want to do is go in there, wake him up, and say all of this to him. But I can't. I am so fearful of his rejection that I walk on eggshells everyday just to keep up with whatever ounce of an actual relationship we may have going on.

The night we discussed the idea of moving in together, he confessed that four weeks prior, our "relationship" had gotten a point that felt like a real relationship again and he liked it. So naturally, he freaked out and went radio silent, as you do when you think you might be in love with someone... I, on the other hand, felt the same, yet chose to embrace it. It was the first time ever in my entire romantic life that I had allowed myself to truly be in a casual relationship and didn't care much about how slow it was progressing (probably because I could see that it was progressing). I love(d) this fool so much I was wiling to put my own selfishness of wanting to move things along quicker, aside.

Like I said before, shameless... These are life moments I am not supposed to be proud of, and I realize that, yet I'm currently happy. And honestly... that scares me. Considering the very literal breakdown I had back in August, the very opposite feeling of utter happiness feels more than a little strange.

Why can't life just show its cards and tell me what the hell my future holds. How long is this happiness wave going to last? I'm just waiting for the crash down. Please dear god let it be as slow and gentle as the rise.

Single... again.

I don't know why I don't share here more often. I love to write. But tonight, my entire being is begging me to write, and to write HERE.

Title give me away much? Yup, another failed relationship. Cool.
I ended it so I almost don't feel entitled to feeling sad. But I do. I feel awful. This last guy was great, probably one of the greatest I've dated (if not the greatest). He would buy me flowers randomly for no reason at all; he loved spending time with me, no matter what we were doing; he'd cook me dinner; he liked almost every meal I ever made; he told me I was beautiful; he was passionately in love with me; he wanted me, like all. the. time. -- It was awesome.

Then, it was like one day, I woke up and I was no longer in Dreamland. It was like all of a sudden, I was slapped with the stick that makes one realize that you're no longer a great couple any longer. Okay, maybe that's extreme. I'd like to think that we still were a great couple. But I also realized that he was not fulfilling me in the way that I see the man of my dreams fulfilling me. It wasn't anything wrong with him, he just wasn't "it".

After a very sad, but extremely mature breakup, I'm driving home covered in tears that won't stop coming. I miss him deeply already and he was only in my arms moments ago. Abbey- you asked for this, remember? You've been bracing yourself for this for a while now. Why are you crying?

I'm crying because I'm alone, again. I have few friends in Austin and he was my #1. I'm back at square one of finding my lifelong mate. We met so organically in a way that is almost unheard of these days- I'm terrified I'll never find another guy to make me feel the way he did. I'm terrified I'll never find a guy to make a life with, to start a family with.

When I was in my early 20s (and maybe even my teens) I was so scared about the fact that I was the only one of my friends not experiencing real relationships. I was so scared that I'd never find a man to marry to start a family with. Ten (plus) years ago, people would tell me, "Oh Abbey, you have plenty of time. Just wait- he's out there somewhere just waiting for you".  As time went on, I grew more and more tired of hearing people say this to me. Especially at my lack of relationships and experience and with friend after friend getting married and having babies, I constantly thought, horror of horrors, what if it doesn't happen for me? What if all of these people are wrong?

I can only think of one semi-similar way to compare what I'm feeling right now...
You know how there's women out there who are 110% positive that they do not want to be mothers? I am certainly not one of them, and have a very hard time relating to them considering my ovaries are constantly screaming at me to pump a child out. But that's just it- not many of us can relate to them, because we're not them.

What if: as I've feared since I was a teenager, I really do end up childless and alone?

Why the FUCK is no one addressing this?! Why the hell is no one saying this to me?!
This is not me being negative and pessimistic, this is me being REALISTIC. Let's just be honest: not everyone gets married and procreates. Some choose that lifestyle while others it's simply handed to. Unlike those that choose the lifestyle, I actually try to be in successful relationships. I try to make them work. But, I'm also not willing to settle. If I was, I'd probably accomplish my goals of at least being in a marriage (or at least a relationship) and with a child (or more)- but I wouldn't be 100% happy. If I'd stayed in this most recent relationship, I think I could have lived an extremely comfortable lifestyle. But I don't want just comfortable. I've seen that, and while that's fine for some people, that's not fine for me. I want to be in the kind of relationship where I see two people ridiculously loving each other. My last two relationships have been a step in the right direction and if I'd ended up with either of them, I would have found moments of happiness to enjoy that life. But I want more.

What if I don't get more?

You hear all the time about women and families that are not able to conceive and ultimately don't have kids. Some have come to peace with that while others have a harder time with it.
But why are we never hearing from the older generation about their attempts to be in a committed relationship with a budding family that just never happens? Why is that such a quiet voice?
At some age, do we just learn to accept this life?

I wonder how many of you may be rolling your eyes at these words thinking, "Abbey, you're being so dramatic! You'll be fine"? I know I'll be fine, that's not my point.
But if another friend who is within five years of my 30 tells me not to worry and that it will all fall into place for me when the time is right... I may just slap them. You may be slapped twice if you are A) younger than me or B) younger or my same age, but already married and/or have kids. Because while I love you and your goal of comforting me, your progression in life next to my lack thereof really does not comfort me one bit.

Is this, "unwanted singledom" the new, "I never want kids"? Are the two even remotely comparable? If not, what else could we compare this to? Are you in my same boat where your romantic life is just not taking you where you want to be? Do you ever find moments of peace and solitude in this? Please share! I'm dying to know!!

Thanks for letting me vent, world. I appreciate you being here and wish I could hug every one of you.

Unique, New York

There's been so much on my mind lately that I've been wanting to share, but have felt like I don't quite have the words for. I'm not sure if even now, I have the words for it, but I think I'm finally ready to at least try.

Social media is a beast. It can make you feel on top of the world (like on your birthday when you get 100+ notifications, messages, etc. of people wishing you a happy new year of life) and it can also make you feel like you are completely alone in this world.

I feel like there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to what content people share online. Those that are at the bottom of a barrel who bad mouth all the people in their life who piss them off and/or are doing them wrong; and the people that project only the bits of happiness that happen in their life.

While I have respect for the former, no one likes a Debbie Downer and chances are if you are that person, you've lost a few followers. Hell, I've BEEN that Debbie before and have probably lost people. Maybe I'll loose people for the words that proceed this...
But what about those that are only projecting the happy tid bits from our lives? What is it that we're wanting other people to think of us when we post a gushing status update, check-in at a super hip restaurant or are tagged in a picture with a smile that's bigger than the sun eluding to the fact that we're just having the best. time. ever.? Are we really as happy as we're showing off?

I highly doubt I have any/many random followers on this blog that don't actually know me personally, so you probably already know that I'm a pretty blunt/honest person. Well here you have it folks, for all that may have been wondering- I'm not that happy. Please don't pity me or feel bad for me at all, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I want to stay true to myself. I want 1) to remain honest and 2) to share openly what's going on with me in the hopes that it will resonate with someone else out there who is feeling similarly to me.

In comparison to how unhappy I was my last few months in NYC, okay sure, maybe I'm happier now. But my struggles were different then than they are now. What had me down back then (being unemployed and freezing) aren't the same as what's got me down now.
I moved to Texas because in NYC, I felt like I was at the bottom of a dirty barrel and the walls were so slimy and covered in muck that I couldn't even grip to get myself out. I recognized that my "fight or flight" instincts were kicking in and in theory, I was running away from my problems. But I also felt like I was so low, that getting myself out was not possible in NYC. I felt it was necessary to leave to be able to work on myself. I knew that I wouldn't leave my depression and any of my problems in NYC and didn't think that Texas would be instant and forever bliss, but I knew I needed to escape to start improving. I knew that moving would be hard. I knew that there would be a lonely period with very few friends. I knew that I'd get frustrated with getting lost and not knowing where I was, from time to time. I knew there would be things about NYC that I hadn't even thought of, that I'd miss when I'd least expect it. I knew I'd feel like I missed out on events and gatherings with my friends. I knew I'd miss my boyfriend. But as I expect childbirth to be, it all was a pain that I wasn't fully prepared for until I actually went through with it and let me tell you, it was harder than I expected.
*Did she really just compare moving cross country to childbirth?? Yup.*

I am so lucky that I had family here just outside of Austin who were generous enough to let me live with them for six weeks while I got my footing. I am lucky in that I had at least one friend already living here from NYC who knew first hand my struggles with leaving the city. I am lucky that I knew a friend from high school who was happy to catch up and include me in the life he'd spent the last 4+ years building in Austin. All of that aside, it was still tremendously difficult. (I wish I was more of a "glass half full" kinda girl, shit, I really do. I'm working on it. And some days, the glass is more full than empty. But as every word above is already eluding to, I'm more of a "half empty" kinda gal, unfortunately.)

Unsurprisingly, one of the hardest parts for me was being away from my boyfriend. Of course I knew going into this decision that it was NOT going to be easy. And the complete body shuttering sobs as I left him at the airport were no indication that it would be anything other than hard-as-fuck. What we failed to do as a couple embarking on a long distance relationship was discuss in detail what me moving away would do to us. We left it all up to fate and (stupidly?) agreed that we would just let it all play out the way it would and would take it day by day. It hadn't occurred to me until it was too late just how important it would be to me to have a time limit on how long we would go without seeing each other or a game plan to meet up next time.  I hadn't put thought into the fact that I was burning through my savings to pay for all the moving expenses and would not be able to afford flying back and forth to see him every other month. He had tentative plans to be in Austin for work shortly after my move and rather than firming that up or making other, more concrete plans, I went along with the push and pull of the uncertainty.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw distance into the mix, it only makes it that much harder. I left without us having a game plan of how long this distance would keep us apart. We'd discussed it briefly in the days leading up to my departure, but him being at the height of his career, it wasn't easy for him to predict where he would be and where life would take him in the next 1-3 years. I believe that there's probably no good time to be in a LDR, but I venture to guess that as you are peaking in your career and need to make sound business decisions is likely not one of the better times. As frustrated as I feel sometimes that he didn't choose me over his career or make me more of a priority, I can't fault him for it either. I admire his determination to get where and what he wants in his business.

If you haven't figured it out by now, or don't already know, our relationship did not stand the test of distance. It's been 4ish months post breakup that I initiated/asked for and it's still incredibly painful. I didn't end the relationship because I stopped loving him or started loving him any less. Quite the opposite actually. I ended it because deep down, despite loving him so much, I wasn't getting what I want from a relationship and what I feel I deserve. I don't mean to bad mouth him and hope that's not how I'm coming off because he deserves so much credit for how wonderful of a person he was and still is. For me, the hardest part of coping with this breakup has been is nothing went wrong. He didn't cheat. I didn't cheat. He didn't hit me. I didn't say mean things. He didn't stop having affection for me. I didn't stop loving him. It just came to a point where I realized that we were in different places in our lives and to continue to stay together would me great sacrifices on one persons part and we both felt that the things we stood firm on were not worth the sacrifice. Am I going to tell you the exact specifics of what broke us up? No. He and I know and a handful of my closest friends know and that's enough. I share so much of myself so openly, but I don't hate him. I'm writing this as therapy for myself and hopefully helping others, not to hurt him or air out our dirty laundry.

One thing that I really love in life is to be this open, honest person. I love sharing my life on social media and platforms such as this blog. Writing about this has been on my mind for months now and as I said when I started, I just haven't been able to find the words. J, I hope if you ever read this that you do not feel angry or frustrated with me for sharing bits of our personal lives and struggles with everyone. It's just that, I've been feeling like such shit for so long now and after doing a lot of work to get myself back to a happier place, I'm learning that what I'm feeling is not just okay, but normal. Just because I'm the one that asked for the breakup does not mean that I'm not allowed to feel sad about the situation. I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and the best relationship I've ever had and it's ok that I'm struggling. I am human. I have feelings and am really working on honing my skills in actually feeling those feelings and not suppressing them in worry that I'm making someone else uncomfortable.

If you have any advice for me on gaining happiness, coping with a cross country move or moving on post breakup, or anything else for that matter, I would love to hear from you! If you are going through any major life changes and are struggling with the way you're feeling, I'm here for you if you want to comment/email/call/etc. If this blog reaches even one person who is struggling and feels like they aren't sure what to do with all of the emotions and crap that they're feeling, I hope my words have helped. If you're just nosey and like to know what's going on in my life, that's fine too, I like a good creeper ;)

Chat with y'all later! xo