Single... again.

I don't know why I don't share here more often. I love to write. But tonight, my entire being is begging me to write, and to write HERE.

Title give me away much? Yup, another failed relationship. Cool.
I ended it so I almost don't feel entitled to feeling sad. But I do. I feel awful. This last guy was great, probably one of the greatest I've dated (if not the greatest). He would buy me flowers randomly for no reason at all; he loved spending time with me, no matter what we were doing; he'd cook me dinner; he liked almost every meal I ever made; he told me I was beautiful; he was passionately in love with me; he wanted me, like all. the. time. -- It was awesome.

Then, it was like one day, I woke up and I was no longer in Dreamland. It was like all of a sudden, I was slapped with the stick that makes one realize that you're no longer a great couple any longer. Okay, maybe that's extreme. I'd like to think that we still were a great couple. But I also realized that he was not fulfilling me in the way that I see the man of my dreams fulfilling me. It wasn't anything wrong with him, he just wasn't "it".

After a very sad, but extremely mature breakup, I'm driving home covered in tears that won't stop coming. I miss him deeply already and he was only in my arms moments ago. Abbey- you asked for this, remember? You've been bracing yourself for this for a while now. Why are you crying?

I'm crying because I'm alone, again. I have few friends in Austin and he was my #1. I'm back at square one of finding my lifelong mate. We met so organically in a way that is almost unheard of these days- I'm terrified I'll never find another guy to make me feel the way he did. I'm terrified I'll never find a guy to make a life with, to start a family with.

When I was in my early 20s (and maybe even my teens) I was so scared about the fact that I was the only one of my friends not experiencing real relationships. I was so scared that I'd never find a man to marry to start a family with. Ten (plus) years ago, people would tell me, "Oh Abbey, you have plenty of time. Just wait- he's out there somewhere just waiting for you".  As time went on, I grew more and more tired of hearing people say this to me. Especially at my lack of relationships and experience and with friend after friend getting married and having babies, I constantly thought, horror of horrors, what if it doesn't happen for me? What if all of these people are wrong?

I can only think of one semi-similar way to compare what I'm feeling right now...
You know how there's women out there who are 110% positive that they do not want to be mothers? I am certainly not one of them, and have a very hard time relating to them considering my ovaries are constantly screaming at me to pump a child out. But that's just it- not many of us can relate to them, because we're not them.

What if: as I've feared since I was a teenager, I really do end up childless and alone?

Why the FUCK is no one addressing this?! Why the hell is no one saying this to me?!
This is not me being negative and pessimistic, this is me being REALISTIC. Let's just be honest: not everyone gets married and procreates. Some choose that lifestyle while others it's simply handed to. Unlike those that choose the lifestyle, I actually try to be in successful relationships. I try to make them work. But, I'm also not willing to settle. If I was, I'd probably accomplish my goals of at least being in a marriage (or at least a relationship) and with a child (or more)- but I wouldn't be 100% happy. If I'd stayed in this most recent relationship, I think I could have lived an extremely comfortable lifestyle. But I don't want just comfortable. I've seen that, and while that's fine for some people, that's not fine for me. I want to be in the kind of relationship where I see two people ridiculously loving each other. My last two relationships have been a step in the right direction and if I'd ended up with either of them, I would have found moments of happiness to enjoy that life. But I want more.

What if I don't get more?

You hear all the time about women and families that are not able to conceive and ultimately don't have kids. Some have come to peace with that while others have a harder time with it.
But why are we never hearing from the older generation about their attempts to be in a committed relationship with a budding family that just never happens? Why is that such a quiet voice?
At some age, do we just learn to accept this life?

I wonder how many of you may be rolling your eyes at these words thinking, "Abbey, you're being so dramatic! You'll be fine"? I know I'll be fine, that's not my point.
But if another friend who is within five years of my 30 tells me not to worry and that it will all fall into place for me when the time is right... I may just slap them. You may be slapped twice if you are A) younger than me or B) younger or my same age, but already married and/or have kids. Because while I love you and your goal of comforting me, your progression in life next to my lack thereof really does not comfort me one bit.

Is this, "unwanted singledom" the new, "I never want kids"? Are the two even remotely comparable? If not, what else could we compare this to? Are you in my same boat where your romantic life is just not taking you where you want to be? Do you ever find moments of peace and solitude in this? Please share! I'm dying to know!!

Thanks for letting me vent, world. I appreciate you being here and wish I could hug every one of you.