I'm sitting outside on my new patio furniture that I just purchased last weekend. I'd been craving outdoor furniture since last summer and kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a necessity. But the truth is, I want to be outside all. the. time. I may not have the money to pay for it right now (thank you credit cards), but I can tell you for certain that it was a worthwhile purchase.
Today was perfect! I splurged on myself with some highlights after a year of not dying my hair, (yet another purchase I truthfully can't really afford). Before getting to my weekend job, I ran to Whole Foods and treated myself to a $13 salad and enjoyed every bite of it outside basking in the sun, ignoring my phone and reveling in the thoughts going through my head about how good I was being to myself for giving in to what I wanted (highlights) and what I needed (veggies and Vitamin D), patting myself on the back for taking such good care of myself.
Then comes work... Who in their right mind ever wants to work on a Saturday?? Never mind the fact that it was beautiful and 80 degrees! But then I remind myself that working today is an absolute must after dropping borrowed money on my hair and lunch and I continue on with a smile.
Until thoughts of the ex creep in.
It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what song is on the radio, how busy or bored I am. I cannot seem to drown out the loneliness that comes with the period of time following a breakup before one starts to feel whole again.
It doesn't seem to matter what foods I eat; If I drink or stay sober; If I drive into shared territory or stay on my turf; If I look at happy pictures of us or visit his social media pages. The loneliness is there and does not appear to be leaving my side anytime soon.
I'm a big girl. I've done this a time or two, and oddly enough, this wasn't even the worst breakup I've ever had- actually, not even remotely close to it. I know that in time, I will feel whole again. I know that hours, days, weeks and maybe even months will pass before thoughts of that sweet, young, meat cutting, french man will cross my mind. And in that time, when they do, it won't sting like rubbing alcohol on freshly scrapped knees.
The waiting
Today as I was driving home from work with the sun on my face, my windows rolled down, and my hair flapping around like crazy, I started to think about each and every one of my ex's and how sad I feel that each of them are no longer a part of my life. I've dated some awesome people. Even the ones that I'd consider less-than-awesome still hold a tiny fraction of my heart. Even the ones that may have taken my heart and shattered it into a million pieces (at the time) have taught me some extremely valuable lessons that I otherwise never would have learned.
I've had friends say that they're proud of me, or that I am brave to breakup with a person who I still love, when I know that he's not "the one". But let me tell you, what I'm feeling right now is so far from brave, that just might be one of the last words I would use to describe what I've done and how it's effecting me.
I'm so scared.
I have a tendency to give into the "flight" side of things when my world is presented with a "fight or flight" situation. This last guy was, without a doubt, the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of dating. His career path was not ever something I would have wished for my fantasy mate to have, but it was a damn good one that will not only provide for him but will do so for his future family I am sure he'll one day have. I'm terrified that I may have just let go of someone so truly wonderful without ever having another chance with them all because I couldn't see past my list of standards and my laundry list of qualifications I want a guy to check off before he's deemed acceptable.
I can't help but wonder if somewhere down the road I really will meet the man of my dreams and I'll look back on these blog posts laughing at myself and all of my doubt.
-- The other day, my friend told me that before she met her now husband, she had a reoccurring dream about her wedding day. In this dream, two of her more significant ex-boyfriends were there, but neither as the groom. The man she was to walk down the isle and marry was a man she'd yet to meet, but would describe to her mother as "random hot guy". She told me that every time she'd start dating a new guy, her mom would ask her, "is this random hot guy?" Time after time, the answer was no. Until she met the man that she is now married to. Her mom asked, yet again, "is this random hot guy?" and in that moment, she finally realized it WAS him! Now, maybe the seed had already been planted in my head, but I recently had a very vivid dream where I married a man named Josh. So, if your name is Josh or happen to know a Josh who you think would just be perfect for me, please feel free to play matchmaker!
I've also had a very strong feeling that I'm meant to meet and fall in love with Cody Sattler from The Bachelorette.... so maybe my dreams and inclinations don't actually mean anything serious or realistic after all!! ;)
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