When love goes wrong, nothing goes right

I'm sitting outside on my new patio furniture that I just purchased last weekend. I'd been craving outdoor furniture since last summer and kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a necessity. But the truth is, I want to be outside all. the. time. I may not have the money to pay for it right now (thank you credit cards), but I can tell you for certain that it was a worthwhile purchase.

Today was perfect! I splurged on myself with some highlights after a year of not dying my hair, (yet another purchase I truthfully can't really afford). Before getting to my weekend job, I ran to Whole Foods and treated myself to a $13 salad and enjoyed every bite of it outside basking in the sun, ignoring my phone and reveling in the thoughts going through my head about how good I was being to myself for giving in to what I wanted (highlights) and what I needed (veggies and Vitamin D), patting myself on the back for taking such good care of myself.

Then comes work... Who in their right mind ever wants to work on a Saturday?? Never mind the fact that it was beautiful and 80 degrees! But then I remind myself that working today is an absolute must after dropping borrowed money on my hair and lunch and I continue on with a smile.

Until thoughts of the ex creep in.

It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what song is on the radio, how busy or bored I am. I cannot seem to drown out the loneliness that comes with the period of time following a breakup before one starts to feel whole again.

It doesn't seem to matter what foods I eat; If I drink or stay sober; If I drive into shared territory or stay on my turf; If I look at happy pictures of us or visit his social media pages. The loneliness is there and does not appear to be leaving my side anytime soon.

I'm a big girl. I've done this a time or two, and oddly enough, this wasn't even the worst breakup I've ever had- actually, not even remotely close to it. I know that in time, I will feel whole again. I know that hours, days, weeks and maybe even months will pass before thoughts of that sweet, young, meat cutting, french man will cross my mind. And in that time, when they do, it won't sting like rubbing alcohol on freshly scrapped knees.

The waiting time period game is almost as painful as the loneliness itself.

Today as I was driving home from work with the sun on my face, my windows rolled down, and my hair flapping around like crazy, I started to think about each and every one of my ex's and how sad I feel that each of them are no longer a part of my life. I've dated some awesome people. Even the ones that I'd consider less-than-awesome still hold a tiny fraction of my heart. Even the ones that may have taken my heart and shattered it into a million pieces (at the time) have taught me some extremely valuable lessons that I otherwise never would have learned.

I've had friends say that they're proud of me, or that I am brave to breakup with a person who I still love, when I know that he's not "the one". But let me tell you, what I'm feeling right now is so far from brave, that just might be one of the last words I would use to describe what I've done and how it's effecting me.

I'm so scared.

I have a tendency to give into the "flight" side of things when my world is presented with a "fight or flight" situation. This last guy was, without a doubt, the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of dating. His career path was not ever something I would have wished for my fantasy mate to have, but it was a damn good one that will not only provide for him but will do so for his future family I am sure he'll one day have. I'm terrified that I may have just let go of someone so truly wonderful without ever having another chance with them all because I couldn't see past my list of standards and my laundry list of qualifications I want a guy to check off before he's deemed acceptable.

I can't help but wonder if somewhere down the road I really will meet the man of my dreams and I'll look back on these blog posts laughing at myself and all of my doubt.
-- The other day, my friend told me that before she met her now husband, she had a reoccurring dream about her wedding day. In this dream, two of her more significant ex-boyfriends were there, but neither as the groom. The man she was to walk down the isle and marry was a man she'd yet to meet, but would describe to her mother as "random hot guy". She told me that every time she'd start dating a new guy, her mom would ask her, "is this random hot guy?" Time after time, the answer was no. Until she met the man that she is now married to. Her mom asked, yet again, "is this random hot guy?" and in that moment, she finally realized it WAS him! Now, maybe the seed had already been planted in my head, but I recently had a very vivid dream where I married a man named Josh. So, if your name is Josh or happen to know a Josh who you think would just be perfect for me, please feel free to play matchmaker!

I've also had a very strong feeling that I'm meant to meet and fall in love with Cody Sattler from The Bachelorette.... so maybe my dreams and inclinations don't actually mean anything serious or realistic after all!! ;)

Boggy Creek Farm

While you're sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog post (c'mon, I know you are!) take a gander on over to my Achieving Healthy Blog and see some fresh (no pun intended) new shots that the talented Angela Doran took of me my first few weeks in Austin as well as a roundup of my trip to a super sweet local farm, Boggy Creek!

The post can be seen HERE!

Howdy y'all!

 Greetings from Austin :D

photo cred: Angela Doran Photography

If you're reading this blog, chances are rather high that you fall into one of the following categories (or a few) family, friend, or follow me on some social media platform, so I'm going to just go ahead and assume that you know that I've moved from NYC to Austin, Texas!

If you didn't know, surpriseee!

A lot of people's first question as to why I moved to Austin is "why?" Well really, why not?! I never had it set in my mind that NYC was where I would stay for the rest of my life. I'd always told myself that if that's the way it ended up, that it would be great, but never an expectation. Over time, it became very apparent to me that NYC was not where I was meant to live the rest of my life, so at that point, it was only a matter of when and where would be next.

I've had thoughts of living in Southern California on my mind for many many years, so it was something I seriously considered, and even went out for a visit in February. But nothing was really calling or pulling me there. I felt really indifferent about the idea of moving to California and I figured, one should probably feel pretty strongly about making such a huge move. So I stayed in NYC.

After I'd dismissed the idea of living in Cali, my mind still wasn't fully settled at the idea of living in NYC any longer. Life wasn't really moving anywhere for me, and I felt like the longer I stayed there, the more time I was wasting. I'd been looking for work since January when I was laid off, without any luck. I sent out countless resumes and went on many interviews and never heard back from any of them. If you've never been unemployed before, let me just tell you, this does not do good things for ones self esteem. I've never in my life struggled to find work the way I did these past few months.

It was around April when life had gotten a little rocky, as it does from time to time, that I decided I'd had enough of the bull shit NYC throws at its residents. I had very briefly looked at jobs in Austin and applied for maybe one before I decided to actually reach out to my Austin peeps and find out if moving there with their support would even be a reality. I have one cousin in Austin who outside of Facebook, I hardly knew. I decided to take a leap and reach out to her to ask if I could stay with her while I get adjusted, acclimated, and found a job and a place to live. Because my family is AWESOME, she quickly got back to me with a "yes!" It was only a couple of days later, that I heard back from one of the resumes I'd submitted to a job in Austin and was immediately offered the job over the phone and was asked "how soon can you be here?"
In retrospect, I probably could have been here in a week (thank you unemployment) but I told her I'd need about three weeks to wrap up my life in NYC.

One of my favorite spots to catch the sun setting over NYC

Before I knew it, my life was packed into 3 suitcases, and 20 boxes. What wasn't packed was sold or left on the curb. I had the chance to say my goodbyes to some of my favorite NYC people as well as pack in all the good food I could. After an extremely emotional goodbye to all the ones I loved in NYC, I landed in Austin without any issues.

Some of the greatest people NYC has to offer!

I hit the ground running... I started working for Vega only a few days after landing, I got a car within the first week, I found my apartment in the first 4 days (though I didn't get to move in until mid-June), and I got a full time job at a chiropractors office within two weeks. It was amazing for me to see how quickly everything was falling into place for me in Austin vs. how hard I had to work for everything in NYC.

We work really hard at Vega!

I've got some pretty good helpers at the chiro's office!

I ended up getting a lemon of a car and have since had to buy a new one, but this time, I think I got a great one! Isn't she pretty!?

Now, unfortunately, this means car payments. So my hopes of cutting my 7-day work weeks back is probably far off from ever happening. That being said, I am hoping to grow both my health coaching and my photography business here in Austin. So whether you know me personally and happen to know someone in Austin who could benefit from my services, or you have randomly stumbled upon me and are looking for some senior portraits, maternity photography or need a health coach - please get in touch with me soon!

I'm taking a brief break detox from Facebook at the moment, so I'm kind of hoping I won't be neglecting this blog as much as I have been. I know blogs are a fading art, but I love reading about other people's life happenings and I hope you enjoy reading about mine. I feel writers block often when I sit down to talk about what's happening because I feel like surely, I'm boring you all. So please! If there's anything specific you want to know about me or my life in Austin, please leave me a comment and I'll try to write about it! 

I hope you are having a fabulous summer!