Having it all, is just a state of mind

My mind is constantly in motion.
I'm always wondering to myself, "what should I blog about next?"
A moment happens, small or large, mundane or monumental and I think to myself, would people like to read about this experience? Where is the line between over sharing and just the right amount of information? We are living in a world where our phones are rarely more than a foot away from us and our fingers are constantly hovering over the large white dot below the word "photo" or "video", just waiting for the most exciting thing ever to happen to us, all so we can share that moment on one of our many social media platforms to make it look like we live the most awesomeist of lives.

So I sit here and wonder, what to write?

Do I write, yet another post about my breakup and how I'm still hurting deeply? Because I am, but maybe the death of that relationship doesn't deserve my time and words to be shared with the internets anymore? I don't know.

Do I tell you about the quick trip out of Austin I took myself on this past weekend to see one of my favorite country artists, Kacey Musgraves? About how that trip made me feel so empowered and incredibly lonely; happy yet sad, all within mere minutes of each other throughout the entire 24 hours?

Do I confront my lack of confidence in my age and where I'm at in life at the moment? How I've been giving myself pep-talks about the fact that despite the lifetime dream of becoming a mother, I'm finally starting to realize, it just might not happen. And I can't quite decide how I feel about that. Sometimes, incredibly sad. Sometimes, incredibly relieved.

I think I'll go with this...
The day I left for my trip to Helotes, TX, I was packing up my car pumped up on adrenaline from running two hours behind and beyond excited to finally see Kacey live. There was a part of me that felt sadness towards my singledom, but another part of me kept reminding myself that having a boyfriend would not guarantee this trip to be a good time. In fact, for all I knew, a boyfriend could have made it worse! Could have being the operative words here.
I stroll into town just as a street fair is closing down for the day and I ask whether they will be back the following day; to my disappointment, no. I slowly peruse what's left of the vendors and the few shops that are still open. As I get back in my car to check-in to my hotel, I drive past the venue and hear Kacey warming up.... I about died of happiness right there. This town is so dang cute, it's a gorgeous day, I scored some beautiful pieces for my maternity photo shoots (and at a discount nonetheless!) and I'm here, on my own time, on my own schedule, with my own agenda, with no one else to please but myself and I'm frankly quite happy to be alone, knowing that moments like this just would not be the same if shared with another person. As soon as I've checked-in and freshened up, I hurry back to the venue to secure the best spot as close to the front as possible and almost immediately, I'm uncomfortable and so lonely.
I'm sure that they're not, but it feels like everyone is staring at me. Like they just KNOW that I'm there alone.
I do my best to keep an open mind and keep myself open to any and all possibilities for what the night may bring. I couldn't help but think, what if I meet a man here?! What a great, fun story that would be! Maybe I'd make some new girlfriends, should I be so lucky that they happen to live in Austin too! Maybe none of this will matter and Kacey will be an amazing show and the company I'm with (or lack thereof) won't matter at all?!

I tend to not care much for opening bands, but every once in a while, I stumble upon a gem.
And let me tell you, Kacey's openers, Sugar & The Hi Lows, were exactly that, and more.
Their energy on stage was infectious and I couldn't help myself but to bounce around dancing in my small bubble of space to every note (something I probably would not have felt comfortable doing with a man by my side). After the end of one of the first few songs one of the leads says, "I know it sounds crazy for us to play a slow song after that one, but that's exactly what we're gonna do and I hope you like it". It was odd, but I almost just knew that their next song was gonna hit me in all of the feels.
I wasn't wrong, not even a little bit.

Mid-way through their song, "Right Time To Tell You", I'm crying.

I again leap to the belief that everyone is looking at me, so I wipe away my tears as discretely as possible, but they won't stop coming. Music is so powerful, it amazed me how much a brand new song that I'd never heard before could effect me the way it was. I knew there was a song or two that Kacey might play that hits me deep in the feels, but I wasn't expecting this. This one really resonates with how I'm feeling right now around the ex and that whole situation.

After they finish their amazing set, I beeline for the merch table and promptly buy both of the CDs that the band is selling and to my joy, they came up and signed them and I got to have a brief chat with them. Such lovely people and I truly hope to see this band take off.

Kacey finally comes on and she does NOT disappoint. Her voice live is just as good as it is on her CD which seems a rarity these days (sadly). I'm smiling so big and I swear, I haven't felt as happy as I felt in that moment in what feels like forever. I'm just so pleased with everything. My decision to say, "fuck it. I'm buying a ticket to this show and I'll go alone if no one wants to join me". My impeccable taste in good music (humble, aren't I?). My open mindedness to appreciate an artist such as Kacey who has such a unique view on the world. A running list of things that I'm so thankful for in that moment, that I couldn't possibly list them all here. In between songs, she chats with the audience and even though there's about 3,000 of us, it feels so intimate. How this woman is not a bigger star is truly beyond me. I swear if she and Ellen Degeneres were to team up, they could take over the world!

But as the lyrics go, "having it all is just a state of mind".
Of course, she plays the song that is the absolute epitome of how I'm currently feeling at any given moment, "I miss you".

The song is all about having all the stars line up, everything is working out in your favor, life cannot be any better, but there's still something missing: him. If you're asking yourself as you read this, "is she really still talking about her ex/breakup? Does she write or think about anything else??" Right now? No, not so much. It's all consuming and I truly hope that by writing this stuff and getting it off my chest and out of my mind will only help me move on. ***Any prayers and happy thoughts are much appreciated, thanks!***
As the night goes on, I continue to have a wonderful night, but in the back of my head, I know it's bound to be over before I'd like it to be. Thank god for encores, am I right? Her encore was one of the longer ones I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. Not only did she do a few songs without her band, just a capella, but she also previewed a couple of new songs that will be on her new album to be released in June!
Also, she did a cover of TLC's, "Scrubs" and I just about DIIIIIIIED.

I  mean, does it get any better than that?!
Well, I assure you, it did. I left that show on such a high. Not only that, but I felt an odd sense of pride as I was leaving the show walking past other girls who were so wasted that they could hardly stand up. Is it weird that I felt bad for them? I mean, there's no way they'll remember the show as clearly as I did, what a shame for them. But hey, as Kacey says, "so I'll just do me and honey you can just do you"- if that's how you prefer to enjoy live music, more power to you. Thank you for not throwing up on me.

And there you have it, another rambling post from the mind of one Abbey C.
If you hadn't already heard of Kacey Musgraves or Sugar and the Hi Lows, please!! Find them online and enjoy every note and every word. You can thank me later ;)

P.S. I have a date tomorrow night that I'm not actually sure I'm looking forward to and have more or less decided that if this one doesn't work out, I'm deleting my online dating profile and taking a deliberate break from dating to work on making myself [more] awesome. Wish me luck!

I'm Awesome.

I realized after my last post that my last two entries were about breakups.
As if my entire life revolves around men, my relationships or the lack thereof.
I also felt it cast a very negative tone. And well, it was written in the heat of the moment, within hours post breakup and was very raw and emotional and real- I don't want the overwhelming tone of my blog, or ME to be negative. I'm trying very hard these days to be a happier person and project positivity whenever and however possible.

So you wanna know what?

I AM FUCKING AWESOME! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO BE ME!!!!
(*Thank you, Laura Jack, for helping me create my mantra)

So much of my decision to end my last two relationships was for completely selfish reasons. I knew, deep down, that I was fucking awesome, and that I deserved more.

Last night, I went for my usual Monday night run with a friend and went on and on about my sob story of a breakup and my frustration with no one sharing the truth about ending up childless and alone- and I got slapped by another stick. Damnit Abbey! Buck up! So what if you end up alone?! Okay, so it's not ideal and we'll all hope for the best there with that one. But who ever said I had to end up childless? It's 2015 for Pete's sake! If I want a kid someday well, damnit! I'll have one! I can go to the doctor now and look into freezing my eggs. I can look into sperm donation. I can adopt! While I certainly never saw my dreams coming true by way of scientific experiments or knowingly going into parenthood alone, it's not to say that what I want more than anything in life (to be a mother) is completely out of my reach. Now- can we all please keep our fingers crossed that I'll meet the right man, we'll date for an adequate period of time, become engaged, get married, BE MARRIED for some time, thennnn get pregnant? That's my goal! But I will not sit here and refuse to think about my other options if my "dream" doesn't ever come true.

Enough blah, blah, blah of my relationships and single life and let's talk about why I'm fucking awesome and why I have no reasons not to be more thankful for my awesome life and my happiness...

• I'm raw, I'm real. I'm not afraid to show anyone my true self. I don't hide what's on my mind or what I'm thinking. 
• I'm not afraid to show emotion and laugh when I'm happy or cry when I'm sad (I often cry when I'm happy too! Or when I see exquisite dance or hear profoundly beautiful music). 
• I am brave and bold. I have picked up and moved across the country to a total of 5 (FIVE!!!) different states now. I still have friends that have never even left the town we grew up in! (which I actually think is pretty damn brave and bold in other ways)
• I think about the people in my life all. the. time. Okay, so maybe I worry a bit about what other people are thinking of me sometimes. Meh. Oh well. But that's not what I mean. What I'm saying is I'm constantly thinking about my friends. I want to know how their doing, how their job is going, how their relationships are going for them, how I can be a better friend to them, how I can help them become healthier, how I can be there to photograph the next big moment in their lives. I know that I am not a perfect friend 100% of the time, but I'm damn well proud of the amazing friend I know I am a solid 90-95% of the time. 
• At the ripe ol' age of freshly turned 30- I am a WAY better person than I had projected I'd turn out to be if you had asked me 5-10 years ago. If you'd told me when I was a young lass that I'd one day go to nutrition school to become a health coach to help better others lives, I 1) never would have believed you 2) probably would have totally laughed in your face and 3) seriously doubted you for how that would ever be earthy possible as someone who wouldn't eat anything other than sweets and cheese. 
• I workout, and I make my body work for me. I may not be an Olympic athlete, but damn if I don't put my body through the ringer on a multiple-times-a-week basis. There are days when I could win the gold medal in laziest person on earth. But most days, I show my body appreciation for everything by sweating my ass off and building my muscles to become one fit chick!
• I go to bed at a grandma's hour, and hot damn if I'm proud to admit that!! A solid night's sleep is linked to an infinite amount of health benefits, I cannot fathom why more people do not make 8+ hours of sleep a night more of a priority. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if you go to bed before 11pm! 

Speaking of bedtime, I'm already thirty minutes late for mine (if you're looking at the time stamp on this, you read that right- I go to bed at 9pm! Yeah buddy!!!) so I'm gonna leave it there. What an odd, smorgasbord list of things to leave on the internet to show the world why I'm so awesome. But hey, that's just me. Random, all over the place, loud, weird, crunchy, and, well... me!

Friends, tell me! What makes YOU awesome! If you need any help searching for what makes you awesome, I could easily list at least 10 things for you without much time to think. Hit me up! 

In the mean time, keep doin' you and rock your life! Just be yourself, because really, who is better qualified?? 

Unique, New York

There's been so much on my mind lately that I've been wanting to share, but have felt like I don't quite have the words for. I'm not sure if even now, I have the words for it, but I think I'm finally ready to at least try.

Social media is a beast. It can make you feel on top of the world (like on your birthday when you get 100+ notifications, messages, etc. of people wishing you a happy new year of life) and it can also make you feel like you are completely alone in this world.

I feel like there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to what content people share online. Those that are at the bottom of a barrel who bad mouth all the people in their life who piss them off and/or are doing them wrong; and the people that project only the bits of happiness that happen in their life.

While I have respect for the former, no one likes a Debbie Downer and chances are if you are that person, you've lost a few followers. Hell, I've BEEN that Debbie before and have probably lost people. Maybe I'll loose people for the words that proceed this...
But what about those that are only projecting the happy tid bits from our lives? What is it that we're wanting other people to think of us when we post a gushing status update, check-in at a super hip restaurant or are tagged in a picture with a smile that's bigger than the sun eluding to the fact that we're just having the best. time. ever.? Are we really as happy as we're showing off?

I highly doubt I have any/many random followers on this blog that don't actually know me personally, so you probably already know that I'm a pretty blunt/honest person. Well here you have it folks, for all that may have been wondering- I'm not that happy. Please don't pity me or feel bad for me at all, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I want to stay true to myself. I want 1) to remain honest and 2) to share openly what's going on with me in the hopes that it will resonate with someone else out there who is feeling similarly to me.

In comparison to how unhappy I was my last few months in NYC, okay sure, maybe I'm happier now. But my struggles were different then than they are now. What had me down back then (being unemployed and freezing) aren't the same as what's got me down now.
I moved to Texas because in NYC, I felt like I was at the bottom of a dirty barrel and the walls were so slimy and covered in muck that I couldn't even grip to get myself out. I recognized that my "fight or flight" instincts were kicking in and in theory, I was running away from my problems. But I also felt like I was so low, that getting myself out was not possible in NYC. I felt it was necessary to leave to be able to work on myself. I knew that I wouldn't leave my depression and any of my problems in NYC and didn't think that Texas would be instant and forever bliss, but I knew I needed to escape to start improving. I knew that moving would be hard. I knew that there would be a lonely period with very few friends. I knew that I'd get frustrated with getting lost and not knowing where I was, from time to time. I knew there would be things about NYC that I hadn't even thought of, that I'd miss when I'd least expect it. I knew I'd feel like I missed out on events and gatherings with my friends. I knew I'd miss my boyfriend. But as I expect childbirth to be, it all was a pain that I wasn't fully prepared for until I actually went through with it and let me tell you, it was harder than I expected.
*Did she really just compare moving cross country to childbirth?? Yup.*

I am so lucky that I had family here just outside of Austin who were generous enough to let me live with them for six weeks while I got my footing. I am lucky in that I had at least one friend already living here from NYC who knew first hand my struggles with leaving the city. I am lucky that I knew a friend from high school who was happy to catch up and include me in the life he'd spent the last 4+ years building in Austin. All of that aside, it was still tremendously difficult. (I wish I was more of a "glass half full" kinda girl, shit, I really do. I'm working on it. And some days, the glass is more full than empty. But as every word above is already eluding to, I'm more of a "half empty" kinda gal, unfortunately.)

Unsurprisingly, one of the hardest parts for me was being away from my boyfriend. Of course I knew going into this decision that it was NOT going to be easy. And the complete body shuttering sobs as I left him at the airport were no indication that it would be anything other than hard-as-fuck. What we failed to do as a couple embarking on a long distance relationship was discuss in detail what me moving away would do to us. We left it all up to fate and (stupidly?) agreed that we would just let it all play out the way it would and would take it day by day. It hadn't occurred to me until it was too late just how important it would be to me to have a time limit on how long we would go without seeing each other or a game plan to meet up next time.  I hadn't put thought into the fact that I was burning through my savings to pay for all the moving expenses and would not be able to afford flying back and forth to see him every other month. He had tentative plans to be in Austin for work shortly after my move and rather than firming that up or making other, more concrete plans, I went along with the push and pull of the uncertainty.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw distance into the mix, it only makes it that much harder. I left without us having a game plan of how long this distance would keep us apart. We'd discussed it briefly in the days leading up to my departure, but him being at the height of his career, it wasn't easy for him to predict where he would be and where life would take him in the next 1-3 years. I believe that there's probably no good time to be in a LDR, but I venture to guess that as you are peaking in your career and need to make sound business decisions is likely not one of the better times. As frustrated as I feel sometimes that he didn't choose me over his career or make me more of a priority, I can't fault him for it either. I admire his determination to get where and what he wants in his business.

If you haven't figured it out by now, or don't already know, our relationship did not stand the test of distance. It's been 4ish months post breakup that I initiated/asked for and it's still incredibly painful. I didn't end the relationship because I stopped loving him or started loving him any less. Quite the opposite actually. I ended it because deep down, despite loving him so much, I wasn't getting what I want from a relationship and what I feel I deserve. I don't mean to bad mouth him and hope that's not how I'm coming off because he deserves so much credit for how wonderful of a person he was and still is. For me, the hardest part of coping with this breakup has been is nothing went wrong. He didn't cheat. I didn't cheat. He didn't hit me. I didn't say mean things. He didn't stop having affection for me. I didn't stop loving him. It just came to a point where I realized that we were in different places in our lives and to continue to stay together would me great sacrifices on one persons part and we both felt that the things we stood firm on were not worth the sacrifice. Am I going to tell you the exact specifics of what broke us up? No. He and I know and a handful of my closest friends know and that's enough. I share so much of myself so openly, but I don't hate him. I'm writing this as therapy for myself and hopefully helping others, not to hurt him or air out our dirty laundry.

One thing that I really love in life is to be this open, honest person. I love sharing my life on social media and platforms such as this blog. Writing about this has been on my mind for months now and as I said when I started, I just haven't been able to find the words. J, I hope if you ever read this that you do not feel angry or frustrated with me for sharing bits of our personal lives and struggles with everyone. It's just that, I've been feeling like such shit for so long now and after doing a lot of work to get myself back to a happier place, I'm learning that what I'm feeling is not just okay, but normal. Just because I'm the one that asked for the breakup does not mean that I'm not allowed to feel sad about the situation. I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and the best relationship I've ever had and it's ok that I'm struggling. I am human. I have feelings and am really working on honing my skills in actually feeling those feelings and not suppressing them in worry that I'm making someone else uncomfortable.

If you have any advice for me on gaining happiness, coping with a cross country move or moving on post breakup, or anything else for that matter, I would love to hear from you! If you are going through any major life changes and are struggling with the way you're feeling, I'm here for you if you want to comment/email/call/etc. If this blog reaches even one person who is struggling and feels like they aren't sure what to do with all of the emotions and crap that they're feeling, I hope my words have helped. If you're just nosey and like to know what's going on in my life, that's fine too, I like a good creeper ;)

Chat with y'all later! xo

Boggy Creek Farm

While you're sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog post (c'mon, I know you are!) take a gander on over to my Achieving Healthy Blog and see some fresh (no pun intended) new shots that the talented Angela Doran took of me my first few weeks in Austin as well as a roundup of my trip to a super sweet local farm, Boggy Creek!

The post can be seen HERE!

Howdy y'all!

 Greetings from Austin :D

photo cred: Angela Doran Photography

If you're reading this blog, chances are rather high that you fall into one of the following categories (or a few) family, friend, or follow me on some social media platform, so I'm going to just go ahead and assume that you know that I've moved from NYC to Austin, Texas!

If you didn't know, surpriseee!

A lot of people's first question as to why I moved to Austin is "why?" Well really, why not?! I never had it set in my mind that NYC was where I would stay for the rest of my life. I'd always told myself that if that's the way it ended up, that it would be great, but never an expectation. Over time, it became very apparent to me that NYC was not where I was meant to live the rest of my life, so at that point, it was only a matter of when and where would be next.

I've had thoughts of living in Southern California on my mind for many many years, so it was something I seriously considered, and even went out for a visit in February. But nothing was really calling or pulling me there. I felt really indifferent about the idea of moving to California and I figured, one should probably feel pretty strongly about making such a huge move. So I stayed in NYC.

After I'd dismissed the idea of living in Cali, my mind still wasn't fully settled at the idea of living in NYC any longer. Life wasn't really moving anywhere for me, and I felt like the longer I stayed there, the more time I was wasting. I'd been looking for work since January when I was laid off, without any luck. I sent out countless resumes and went on many interviews and never heard back from any of them. If you've never been unemployed before, let me just tell you, this does not do good things for ones self esteem. I've never in my life struggled to find work the way I did these past few months.

It was around April when life had gotten a little rocky, as it does from time to time, that I decided I'd had enough of the bull shit NYC throws at its residents. I had very briefly looked at jobs in Austin and applied for maybe one before I decided to actually reach out to my Austin peeps and find out if moving there with their support would even be a reality. I have one cousin in Austin who outside of Facebook, I hardly knew. I decided to take a leap and reach out to her to ask if I could stay with her while I get adjusted, acclimated, and found a job and a place to live. Because my family is AWESOME, she quickly got back to me with a "yes!" It was only a couple of days later, that I heard back from one of the resumes I'd submitted to a job in Austin and was immediately offered the job over the phone and was asked "how soon can you be here?"
In retrospect, I probably could have been here in a week (thank you unemployment) but I told her I'd need about three weeks to wrap up my life in NYC.

One of my favorite spots to catch the sun setting over NYC

Before I knew it, my life was packed into 3 suitcases, and 20 boxes. What wasn't packed was sold or left on the curb. I had the chance to say my goodbyes to some of my favorite NYC people as well as pack in all the good food I could. After an extremely emotional goodbye to all the ones I loved in NYC, I landed in Austin without any issues.

Some of the greatest people NYC has to offer!

I hit the ground running... I started working for Vega only a few days after landing, I got a car within the first week, I found my apartment in the first 4 days (though I didn't get to move in until mid-June), and I got a full time job at a chiropractors office within two weeks. It was amazing for me to see how quickly everything was falling into place for me in Austin vs. how hard I had to work for everything in NYC.

We work really hard at Vega!

I've got some pretty good helpers at the chiro's office!

I ended up getting a lemon of a car and have since had to buy a new one, but this time, I think I got a great one! Isn't she pretty!?

Now, unfortunately, this means car payments. So my hopes of cutting my 7-day work weeks back is probably far off from ever happening. That being said, I am hoping to grow both my health coaching and my photography business here in Austin. So whether you know me personally and happen to know someone in Austin who could benefit from my services, or you have randomly stumbled upon me and are looking for some senior portraits, maternity photography or need a health coach - please get in touch with me soon!

I'm taking a brief break detox from Facebook at the moment, so I'm kind of hoping I won't be neglecting this blog as much as I have been. I know blogs are a fading art, but I love reading about other people's life happenings and I hope you enjoy reading about mine. I feel writers block often when I sit down to talk about what's happening because I feel like surely, I'm boring you all. So please! If there's anything specific you want to know about me or my life in Austin, please leave me a comment and I'll try to write about it! 

I hope you are having a fabulous summer!