Shameless

There's a lot to this post's title.
For one, I just realized I have re-watched the same episode of Shameless three times now which may or may not mean that I've consumed entirely too much alcohol over the last 5 days. I'll let your imagination be the judge.

Shameless (the U.S. version) has been brought to my attention by way of my boss at the spa I now work at and I seriously cannot get enough. I feel like it's a legit addiction and that I am seriously a part of these peoples lives. When I don't watch an episode a day, I feel my life is missing something and I fear for the day when I come to the end of what Netflix has to offer.

Moving on...

My life feels so good right now, yet I know it is so far from it. Or is it? I worry way too much about what other people think about me, my life decisions, my financial situation, my love life, my work life. Any of it. All of it.

As of this past Saturday (10/29/16), I am the happiest I've ever known myself to be- yet there is still SO much NOT going right.

I don't blog near as much my heart and hands wish I would- but if you read this (does anyone ever read this? I can't help but wonder if anyone EVER stumbles across this since I certainly don't promote it anymore), you know I went through a painful breakup shortly after turning 30 (so almost two years ago!!).
If you had told me then that that man would ever be back in my life in a significant way, I never would have believed you. I was so upset over how things ended, even though it was I who made it all happen.
Now here I sit, in a apartment that is ours. Yet I have no idea what this means for our relationship or if it means anything at all. I love him so fiercely and when all these plans to live together came about, I had convinced myself that he was not maybe "the one" but most definitely was the end all be all.

Six days later, I am still thankful that he is a major part of my life but now, I wonder... Is this really my life? Why do I have to love him? He started drinking at 1pm and it was a struggle for him to not start even earlier. His alcohol dependency/addiction/adoration was a huge reason why the girl he dated after me broke up with him. At first, I thought perhaps she was being too harsh with him. Now? Now I think she may be right. She may be on to something. I worry about him. About his liver. About his health and overall well being. Jesus... I sound like a battered woman. Fighting for a man who has done her wrong so many times, yet still goes back for more TIME and TIME again. Is it true that we can't help who we love? The heart wants what the heart wants? What is it with him!? Why the fuck do I love him so much? He is so NOT the man I pictured myself to be with, yet I cannot imagine living without him right now and I am SO thankful that we are in this year long lease together so we can now figure out what the fuck we are supposed to do together.

He is in the next room sleeping and all I want to do is go in there, wake him up, and say all of this to him. But I can't. I am so fearful of his rejection that I walk on eggshells everyday just to keep up with whatever ounce of an actual relationship we may have going on.

The night we discussed the idea of moving in together, he confessed that four weeks prior, our "relationship" had gotten a point that felt like a real relationship again and he liked it. So naturally, he freaked out and went radio silent, as you do when you think you might be in love with someone... I, on the other hand, felt the same, yet chose to embrace it. It was the first time ever in my entire romantic life that I had allowed myself to truly be in a casual relationship and didn't care much about how slow it was progressing (probably because I could see that it was progressing). I love(d) this fool so much I was wiling to put my own selfishness of wanting to move things along quicker, aside.

Like I said before, shameless... These are life moments I am not supposed to be proud of, and I realize that, yet I'm currently happy. And honestly... that scares me. Considering the very literal breakdown I had back in August, the very opposite feeling of utter happiness feels more than a little strange.

Why can't life just show its cards and tell me what the hell my future holds. How long is this happiness wave going to last? I'm just waiting for the crash down. Please dear god let it be as slow and gentle as the rise.

Having it all, is just a state of mind

My mind is constantly in motion.
I'm always wondering to myself, "what should I blog about next?"
A moment happens, small or large, mundane or monumental and I think to myself, would people like to read about this experience? Where is the line between over sharing and just the right amount of information? We are living in a world where our phones are rarely more than a foot away from us and our fingers are constantly hovering over the large white dot below the word "photo" or "video", just waiting for the most exciting thing ever to happen to us, all so we can share that moment on one of our many social media platforms to make it look like we live the most awesomeist of lives.

So I sit here and wonder, what to write?

Do I write, yet another post about my breakup and how I'm still hurting deeply? Because I am, but maybe the death of that relationship doesn't deserve my time and words to be shared with the internets anymore? I don't know.

Do I tell you about the quick trip out of Austin I took myself on this past weekend to see one of my favorite country artists, Kacey Musgraves? About how that trip made me feel so empowered and incredibly lonely; happy yet sad, all within mere minutes of each other throughout the entire 24 hours?

Do I confront my lack of confidence in my age and where I'm at in life at the moment? How I've been giving myself pep-talks about the fact that despite the lifetime dream of becoming a mother, I'm finally starting to realize, it just might not happen. And I can't quite decide how I feel about that. Sometimes, incredibly sad. Sometimes, incredibly relieved.

I think I'll go with this...
The day I left for my trip to Helotes, TX, I was packing up my car pumped up on adrenaline from running two hours behind and beyond excited to finally see Kacey live. There was a part of me that felt sadness towards my singledom, but another part of me kept reminding myself that having a boyfriend would not guarantee this trip to be a good time. In fact, for all I knew, a boyfriend could have made it worse! Could have being the operative words here.
I stroll into town just as a street fair is closing down for the day and I ask whether they will be back the following day; to my disappointment, no. I slowly peruse what's left of the vendors and the few shops that are still open. As I get back in my car to check-in to my hotel, I drive past the venue and hear Kacey warming up.... I about died of happiness right there. This town is so dang cute, it's a gorgeous day, I scored some beautiful pieces for my maternity photo shoots (and at a discount nonetheless!) and I'm here, on my own time, on my own schedule, with my own agenda, with no one else to please but myself and I'm frankly quite happy to be alone, knowing that moments like this just would not be the same if shared with another person. As soon as I've checked-in and freshened up, I hurry back to the venue to secure the best spot as close to the front as possible and almost immediately, I'm uncomfortable and so lonely.
I'm sure that they're not, but it feels like everyone is staring at me. Like they just KNOW that I'm there alone.
I do my best to keep an open mind and keep myself open to any and all possibilities for what the night may bring. I couldn't help but think, what if I meet a man here?! What a great, fun story that would be! Maybe I'd make some new girlfriends, should I be so lucky that they happen to live in Austin too! Maybe none of this will matter and Kacey will be an amazing show and the company I'm with (or lack thereof) won't matter at all?!

I tend to not care much for opening bands, but every once in a while, I stumble upon a gem.
And let me tell you, Kacey's openers, Sugar & The Hi Lows, were exactly that, and more.
Their energy on stage was infectious and I couldn't help myself but to bounce around dancing in my small bubble of space to every note (something I probably would not have felt comfortable doing with a man by my side). After the end of one of the first few songs one of the leads says, "I know it sounds crazy for us to play a slow song after that one, but that's exactly what we're gonna do and I hope you like it". It was odd, but I almost just knew that their next song was gonna hit me in all of the feels.
I wasn't wrong, not even a little bit.

Mid-way through their song, "Right Time To Tell You", I'm crying.

I again leap to the belief that everyone is looking at me, so I wipe away my tears as discretely as possible, but they won't stop coming. Music is so powerful, it amazed me how much a brand new song that I'd never heard before could effect me the way it was. I knew there was a song or two that Kacey might play that hits me deep in the feels, but I wasn't expecting this. This one really resonates with how I'm feeling right now around the ex and that whole situation.

After they finish their amazing set, I beeline for the merch table and promptly buy both of the CDs that the band is selling and to my joy, they came up and signed them and I got to have a brief chat with them. Such lovely people and I truly hope to see this band take off.

Kacey finally comes on and she does NOT disappoint. Her voice live is just as good as it is on her CD which seems a rarity these days (sadly). I'm smiling so big and I swear, I haven't felt as happy as I felt in that moment in what feels like forever. I'm just so pleased with everything. My decision to say, "fuck it. I'm buying a ticket to this show and I'll go alone if no one wants to join me". My impeccable taste in good music (humble, aren't I?). My open mindedness to appreciate an artist such as Kacey who has such a unique view on the world. A running list of things that I'm so thankful for in that moment, that I couldn't possibly list them all here. In between songs, she chats with the audience and even though there's about 3,000 of us, it feels so intimate. How this woman is not a bigger star is truly beyond me. I swear if she and Ellen Degeneres were to team up, they could take over the world!

But as the lyrics go, "having it all is just a state of mind".
Of course, she plays the song that is the absolute epitome of how I'm currently feeling at any given moment, "I miss you".

The song is all about having all the stars line up, everything is working out in your favor, life cannot be any better, but there's still something missing: him. If you're asking yourself as you read this, "is she really still talking about her ex/breakup? Does she write or think about anything else??" Right now? No, not so much. It's all consuming and I truly hope that by writing this stuff and getting it off my chest and out of my mind will only help me move on. ***Any prayers and happy thoughts are much appreciated, thanks!***
As the night goes on, I continue to have a wonderful night, but in the back of my head, I know it's bound to be over before I'd like it to be. Thank god for encores, am I right? Her encore was one of the longer ones I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. Not only did she do a few songs without her band, just a capella, but she also previewed a couple of new songs that will be on her new album to be released in June!
Also, she did a cover of TLC's, "Scrubs" and I just about DIIIIIIIED.

I  mean, does it get any better than that?!
Well, I assure you, it did. I left that show on such a high. Not only that, but I felt an odd sense of pride as I was leaving the show walking past other girls who were so wasted that they could hardly stand up. Is it weird that I felt bad for them? I mean, there's no way they'll remember the show as clearly as I did, what a shame for them. But hey, as Kacey says, "so I'll just do me and honey you can just do you"- if that's how you prefer to enjoy live music, more power to you. Thank you for not throwing up on me.

And there you have it, another rambling post from the mind of one Abbey C.
If you hadn't already heard of Kacey Musgraves or Sugar and the Hi Lows, please!! Find them online and enjoy every note and every word. You can thank me later ;)

P.S. I have a date tomorrow night that I'm not actually sure I'm looking forward to and have more or less decided that if this one doesn't work out, I'm deleting my online dating profile and taking a deliberate break from dating to work on making myself [more] awesome. Wish me luck!

Empowered yet still lonely

In the wake of yet another breakup, I've had some serious times of reflection (as my past few pots are evidence of). There are these moments where I feel powerful as fuck! Hands in the air, wavin' like I just don't care, humming a tune of "All the Single Ladies".

That's typically my motto from 6am-6pm Monday through Friday.

Then, the drive home from work sucks- it's a harsh realization that I'm going home to an empty apartment where no one, not even a furry creature, will be there to greet me and no chance that someone will come through the door chiming, "Honey! I'm home!"

Alright, truthfully, this isn't always so bad. Some days, it's awesome, and I actually feel sorry for those that don't get the chance to have more than just a few minutes alone. And with each passing day, the wound of the breakup heals ever so slightly more. The impending visit from my mom just days away to be quickly followed by a visit from a good friend gives me much to look forward to, making the focus on the breakup slightly less.

But then- a blood bath. No really, there was blood everywhere.

This past Friday (ironically, Good Friday) I rushed home from my full-time CA job with just enough time to vacuum my entire apartment in preparation for the previously mentioned visitors when before I knew it, it was time to head off to my second job. With only minutes to spare before rushing out the door, I realized that if I didn't prepare myself a snack, it would be 9 o'clock before I'd get the chance to eat again. So I started toasting my favorite rosemary sourdough from Sprouts and cut open an avocado to schemear on top. I'd successfully coated one piece of toast when I went to remove the pit from the second half of the fruit. I typically use a paring knife, piercing the pit then rotating it to remove it. Only this time, the knife didn't stop at the pit. When I turned it to remove it, instead of staying in the pit, it went straight through and into my hand.

Blood. Everywhere. I scream.

To be frank, I was in more shock and I don't handle blood all that well; but oddly enough, it wasn't the most amount of pain I've ever been in. (I've had kidney stones for crying out loud!)
My mind immediately goes to dollar signs when faced with a serious injury and all I can think of in that moment is, "Is this really that bad? Maybe I could just put some ice and a band-aide on it and still make it to work. I don't really need to go to the hospital."
But the blood just would not stop. I couldn't even see the cut because it was covered in red. I knew I'd need to go to the hospital, but I called my cousin anyway because I was hoping she'd tell me to just throw some ice on it and suck it up. Of course that's not what happened, but drive myself to the hospital??

All I wanted in that moment was help. A partner. Anyone. My mom? My cousin? A boyfriend.
Though I knew it wasn't an injury that would prevent me from having the capability to drive myself to the hospital, going it alone was the last thing I wanted.

I get to the closest urgent care, mascara laden tears streaming down my face. They rush me into a private room and I sit and wait patiently. And by "patiently" I mean sobbing and unable to control the jitters coursing through my bouncing legs. I'm still not entirely sure how this is possible, but while my hand is in an incredible amount of pain, in another way, it's also gone numb. Almost feeling as if it's fallen asleep. Two thoughts immediately rush through my head: 1) This can't be good that it feels numb, I really hope I didn't hit a nerve 2) Being here alone without a loving man by my side might just be the lowest of the low. I thought I knew lonely before. Wow was I wrong.
At this point, I'd say probably 80% of my tears are pouring from my feelings of loneliness.

Now, I don't want to come off as ungrateful- my cousin moved a few things around and was able to load up her kids and meet me to take me home since I was too drugged up to get behind the wheel. And I am so appreciative for that, I really truly am. But am I so crazy for wanting a man to fill that role? I was trying so hard in the midst of it all to remind myself, "Abbey, you can do this. Alone." and obviously, it wasn't that detrimental. I did it. There are very few (if any) things in life that only a man can do or that we truly need a mans help with. For me, it's not about the need. It's about the want. But in the same way that my recent patio furniture purchase was technically a want, it fulfilled a need in me that is very important- the need to be able to experience as much outdoor time as possible.

I'm working on restoring myself to being whole. Without a man. I know that a man does not complete me. Only I can complete me. Much like the stitches in my hand, the hypothetical thread of life is being strung through the needle as I type, with each passing moment, with every letter and word, to bring me back together. My hope is that some day, I'l be able to look back on these posts and have appreciation for the hard times because as much as they suck now, I know deep down that I cannot get to a higher point in life without starting from the bottom of somewhere.

When love goes wrong, nothing goes right

I'm sitting outside on my new patio furniture that I just purchased last weekend. I'd been craving outdoor furniture since last summer and kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a necessity. But the truth is, I want to be outside all. the. time. I may not have the money to pay for it right now (thank you credit cards), but I can tell you for certain that it was a worthwhile purchase.

Today was perfect! I splurged on myself with some highlights after a year of not dying my hair, (yet another purchase I truthfully can't really afford). Before getting to my weekend job, I ran to Whole Foods and treated myself to a $13 salad and enjoyed every bite of it outside basking in the sun, ignoring my phone and reveling in the thoughts going through my head about how good I was being to myself for giving in to what I wanted (highlights) and what I needed (veggies and Vitamin D), patting myself on the back for taking such good care of myself.

Then comes work... Who in their right mind ever wants to work on a Saturday?? Never mind the fact that it was beautiful and 80 degrees! But then I remind myself that working today is an absolute must after dropping borrowed money on my hair and lunch and I continue on with a smile.

Until thoughts of the ex creep in.

It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what song is on the radio, how busy or bored I am. I cannot seem to drown out the loneliness that comes with the period of time following a breakup before one starts to feel whole again.

It doesn't seem to matter what foods I eat; If I drink or stay sober; If I drive into shared territory or stay on my turf; If I look at happy pictures of us or visit his social media pages. The loneliness is there and does not appear to be leaving my side anytime soon.

I'm a big girl. I've done this a time or two, and oddly enough, this wasn't even the worst breakup I've ever had- actually, not even remotely close to it. I know that in time, I will feel whole again. I know that hours, days, weeks and maybe even months will pass before thoughts of that sweet, young, meat cutting, french man will cross my mind. And in that time, when they do, it won't sting like rubbing alcohol on freshly scrapped knees.

The waiting time period game is almost as painful as the loneliness itself.

Today as I was driving home from work with the sun on my face, my windows rolled down, and my hair flapping around like crazy, I started to think about each and every one of my ex's and how sad I feel that each of them are no longer a part of my life. I've dated some awesome people. Even the ones that I'd consider less-than-awesome still hold a tiny fraction of my heart. Even the ones that may have taken my heart and shattered it into a million pieces (at the time) have taught me some extremely valuable lessons that I otherwise never would have learned.

I've had friends say that they're proud of me, or that I am brave to breakup with a person who I still love, when I know that he's not "the one". But let me tell you, what I'm feeling right now is so far from brave, that just might be one of the last words I would use to describe what I've done and how it's effecting me.

I'm so scared.

I have a tendency to give into the "flight" side of things when my world is presented with a "fight or flight" situation. This last guy was, without a doubt, the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of dating. His career path was not ever something I would have wished for my fantasy mate to have, but it was a damn good one that will not only provide for him but will do so for his future family I am sure he'll one day have. I'm terrified that I may have just let go of someone so truly wonderful without ever having another chance with them all because I couldn't see past my list of standards and my laundry list of qualifications I want a guy to check off before he's deemed acceptable.

I can't help but wonder if somewhere down the road I really will meet the man of my dreams and I'll look back on these blog posts laughing at myself and all of my doubt.
-- The other day, my friend told me that before she met her now husband, she had a reoccurring dream about her wedding day. In this dream, two of her more significant ex-boyfriends were there, but neither as the groom. The man she was to walk down the isle and marry was a man she'd yet to meet, but would describe to her mother as "random hot guy". She told me that every time she'd start dating a new guy, her mom would ask her, "is this random hot guy?" Time after time, the answer was no. Until she met the man that she is now married to. Her mom asked, yet again, "is this random hot guy?" and in that moment, she finally realized it WAS him! Now, maybe the seed had already been planted in my head, but I recently had a very vivid dream where I married a man named Josh. So, if your name is Josh or happen to know a Josh who you think would just be perfect for me, please feel free to play matchmaker!

I've also had a very strong feeling that I'm meant to meet and fall in love with Cody Sattler from The Bachelorette.... so maybe my dreams and inclinations don't actually mean anything serious or realistic after all!! ;)

I'm Awesome.

I realized after my last post that my last two entries were about breakups.
As if my entire life revolves around men, my relationships or the lack thereof.
I also felt it cast a very negative tone. And well, it was written in the heat of the moment, within hours post breakup and was very raw and emotional and real- I don't want the overwhelming tone of my blog, or ME to be negative. I'm trying very hard these days to be a happier person and project positivity whenever and however possible.

So you wanna know what?

I AM FUCKING AWESOME! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO BE ME!!!!
(*Thank you, Laura Jack, for helping me create my mantra)

So much of my decision to end my last two relationships was for completely selfish reasons. I knew, deep down, that I was fucking awesome, and that I deserved more.

Last night, I went for my usual Monday night run with a friend and went on and on about my sob story of a breakup and my frustration with no one sharing the truth about ending up childless and alone- and I got slapped by another stick. Damnit Abbey! Buck up! So what if you end up alone?! Okay, so it's not ideal and we'll all hope for the best there with that one. But who ever said I had to end up childless? It's 2015 for Pete's sake! If I want a kid someday well, damnit! I'll have one! I can go to the doctor now and look into freezing my eggs. I can look into sperm donation. I can adopt! While I certainly never saw my dreams coming true by way of scientific experiments or knowingly going into parenthood alone, it's not to say that what I want more than anything in life (to be a mother) is completely out of my reach. Now- can we all please keep our fingers crossed that I'll meet the right man, we'll date for an adequate period of time, become engaged, get married, BE MARRIED for some time, thennnn get pregnant? That's my goal! But I will not sit here and refuse to think about my other options if my "dream" doesn't ever come true.

Enough blah, blah, blah of my relationships and single life and let's talk about why I'm fucking awesome and why I have no reasons not to be more thankful for my awesome life and my happiness...

• I'm raw, I'm real. I'm not afraid to show anyone my true self. I don't hide what's on my mind or what I'm thinking. 
• I'm not afraid to show emotion and laugh when I'm happy or cry when I'm sad (I often cry when I'm happy too! Or when I see exquisite dance or hear profoundly beautiful music). 
• I am brave and bold. I have picked up and moved across the country to a total of 5 (FIVE!!!) different states now. I still have friends that have never even left the town we grew up in! (which I actually think is pretty damn brave and bold in other ways)
• I think about the people in my life all. the. time. Okay, so maybe I worry a bit about what other people are thinking of me sometimes. Meh. Oh well. But that's not what I mean. What I'm saying is I'm constantly thinking about my friends. I want to know how their doing, how their job is going, how their relationships are going for them, how I can be a better friend to them, how I can help them become healthier, how I can be there to photograph the next big moment in their lives. I know that I am not a perfect friend 100% of the time, but I'm damn well proud of the amazing friend I know I am a solid 90-95% of the time. 
• At the ripe ol' age of freshly turned 30- I am a WAY better person than I had projected I'd turn out to be if you had asked me 5-10 years ago. If you'd told me when I was a young lass that I'd one day go to nutrition school to become a health coach to help better others lives, I 1) never would have believed you 2) probably would have totally laughed in your face and 3) seriously doubted you for how that would ever be earthy possible as someone who wouldn't eat anything other than sweets and cheese. 
• I workout, and I make my body work for me. I may not be an Olympic athlete, but damn if I don't put my body through the ringer on a multiple-times-a-week basis. There are days when I could win the gold medal in laziest person on earth. But most days, I show my body appreciation for everything by sweating my ass off and building my muscles to become one fit chick!
• I go to bed at a grandma's hour, and hot damn if I'm proud to admit that!! A solid night's sleep is linked to an infinite amount of health benefits, I cannot fathom why more people do not make 8+ hours of sleep a night more of a priority. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if you go to bed before 11pm! 

Speaking of bedtime, I'm already thirty minutes late for mine (if you're looking at the time stamp on this, you read that right- I go to bed at 9pm! Yeah buddy!!!) so I'm gonna leave it there. What an odd, smorgasbord list of things to leave on the internet to show the world why I'm so awesome. But hey, that's just me. Random, all over the place, loud, weird, crunchy, and, well... me!

Friends, tell me! What makes YOU awesome! If you need any help searching for what makes you awesome, I could easily list at least 10 things for you without much time to think. Hit me up! 

In the mean time, keep doin' you and rock your life! Just be yourself, because really, who is better qualified??