Unique, New York

There's been so much on my mind lately that I've been wanting to share, but have felt like I don't quite have the words for. I'm not sure if even now, I have the words for it, but I think I'm finally ready to at least try.

Social media is a beast. It can make you feel on top of the world (like on your birthday when you get 100+ notifications, messages, etc. of people wishing you a happy new year of life) and it can also make you feel like you are completely alone in this world.

I feel like there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to what content people share online. Those that are at the bottom of a barrel who bad mouth all the people in their life who piss them off and/or are doing them wrong; and the people that project only the bits of happiness that happen in their life.

While I have respect for the former, no one likes a Debbie Downer and chances are if you are that person, you've lost a few followers. Hell, I've BEEN that Debbie before and have probably lost people. Maybe I'll loose people for the words that proceed this...
But what about those that are only projecting the happy tid bits from our lives? What is it that we're wanting other people to think of us when we post a gushing status update, check-in at a super hip restaurant or are tagged in a picture with a smile that's bigger than the sun eluding to the fact that we're just having the best. time. ever.? Are we really as happy as we're showing off?

I highly doubt I have any/many random followers on this blog that don't actually know me personally, so you probably already know that I'm a pretty blunt/honest person. Well here you have it folks, for all that may have been wondering- I'm not that happy. Please don't pity me or feel bad for me at all, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I want to stay true to myself. I want 1) to remain honest and 2) to share openly what's going on with me in the hopes that it will resonate with someone else out there who is feeling similarly to me.

In comparison to how unhappy I was my last few months in NYC, okay sure, maybe I'm happier now. But my struggles were different then than they are now. What had me down back then (being unemployed and freezing) aren't the same as what's got me down now.
I moved to Texas because in NYC, I felt like I was at the bottom of a dirty barrel and the walls were so slimy and covered in muck that I couldn't even grip to get myself out. I recognized that my "fight or flight" instincts were kicking in and in theory, I was running away from my problems. But I also felt like I was so low, that getting myself out was not possible in NYC. I felt it was necessary to leave to be able to work on myself. I knew that I wouldn't leave my depression and any of my problems in NYC and didn't think that Texas would be instant and forever bliss, but I knew I needed to escape to start improving. I knew that moving would be hard. I knew that there would be a lonely period with very few friends. I knew that I'd get frustrated with getting lost and not knowing where I was, from time to time. I knew there would be things about NYC that I hadn't even thought of, that I'd miss when I'd least expect it. I knew I'd feel like I missed out on events and gatherings with my friends. I knew I'd miss my boyfriend. But as I expect childbirth to be, it all was a pain that I wasn't fully prepared for until I actually went through with it and let me tell you, it was harder than I expected.
*Did she really just compare moving cross country to childbirth?? Yup.*

I am so lucky that I had family here just outside of Austin who were generous enough to let me live with them for six weeks while I got my footing. I am lucky in that I had at least one friend already living here from NYC who knew first hand my struggles with leaving the city. I am lucky that I knew a friend from high school who was happy to catch up and include me in the life he'd spent the last 4+ years building in Austin. All of that aside, it was still tremendously difficult. (I wish I was more of a "glass half full" kinda girl, shit, I really do. I'm working on it. And some days, the glass is more full than empty. But as every word above is already eluding to, I'm more of a "half empty" kinda gal, unfortunately.)

Unsurprisingly, one of the hardest parts for me was being away from my boyfriend. Of course I knew going into this decision that it was NOT going to be easy. And the complete body shuttering sobs as I left him at the airport were no indication that it would be anything other than hard-as-fuck. What we failed to do as a couple embarking on a long distance relationship was discuss in detail what me moving away would do to us. We left it all up to fate and (stupidly?) agreed that we would just let it all play out the way it would and would take it day by day. It hadn't occurred to me until it was too late just how important it would be to me to have a time limit on how long we would go without seeing each other or a game plan to meet up next time.  I hadn't put thought into the fact that I was burning through my savings to pay for all the moving expenses and would not be able to afford flying back and forth to see him every other month. He had tentative plans to be in Austin for work shortly after my move and rather than firming that up or making other, more concrete plans, I went along with the push and pull of the uncertainty.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw distance into the mix, it only makes it that much harder. I left without us having a game plan of how long this distance would keep us apart. We'd discussed it briefly in the days leading up to my departure, but him being at the height of his career, it wasn't easy for him to predict where he would be and where life would take him in the next 1-3 years. I believe that there's probably no good time to be in a LDR, but I venture to guess that as you are peaking in your career and need to make sound business decisions is likely not one of the better times. As frustrated as I feel sometimes that he didn't choose me over his career or make me more of a priority, I can't fault him for it either. I admire his determination to get where and what he wants in his business.

If you haven't figured it out by now, or don't already know, our relationship did not stand the test of distance. It's been 4ish months post breakup that I initiated/asked for and it's still incredibly painful. I didn't end the relationship because I stopped loving him or started loving him any less. Quite the opposite actually. I ended it because deep down, despite loving him so much, I wasn't getting what I want from a relationship and what I feel I deserve. I don't mean to bad mouth him and hope that's not how I'm coming off because he deserves so much credit for how wonderful of a person he was and still is. For me, the hardest part of coping with this breakup has been is nothing went wrong. He didn't cheat. I didn't cheat. He didn't hit me. I didn't say mean things. He didn't stop having affection for me. I didn't stop loving him. It just came to a point where I realized that we were in different places in our lives and to continue to stay together would me great sacrifices on one persons part and we both felt that the things we stood firm on were not worth the sacrifice. Am I going to tell you the exact specifics of what broke us up? No. He and I know and a handful of my closest friends know and that's enough. I share so much of myself so openly, but I don't hate him. I'm writing this as therapy for myself and hopefully helping others, not to hurt him or air out our dirty laundry.

One thing that I really love in life is to be this open, honest person. I love sharing my life on social media and platforms such as this blog. Writing about this has been on my mind for months now and as I said when I started, I just haven't been able to find the words. J, I hope if you ever read this that you do not feel angry or frustrated with me for sharing bits of our personal lives and struggles with everyone. It's just that, I've been feeling like such shit for so long now and after doing a lot of work to get myself back to a happier place, I'm learning that what I'm feeling is not just okay, but normal. Just because I'm the one that asked for the breakup does not mean that I'm not allowed to feel sad about the situation. I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and the best relationship I've ever had and it's ok that I'm struggling. I am human. I have feelings and am really working on honing my skills in actually feeling those feelings and not suppressing them in worry that I'm making someone else uncomfortable.

If you have any advice for me on gaining happiness, coping with a cross country move or moving on post breakup, or anything else for that matter, I would love to hear from you! If you are going through any major life changes and are struggling with the way you're feeling, I'm here for you if you want to comment/email/call/etc. If this blog reaches even one person who is struggling and feels like they aren't sure what to do with all of the emotions and crap that they're feeling, I hope my words have helped. If you're just nosey and like to know what's going on in my life, that's fine too, I like a good creeper ;)

Chat with y'all later! xo

Boggy Creek Farm

While you're sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog post (c'mon, I know you are!) take a gander on over to my Achieving Healthy Blog and see some fresh (no pun intended) new shots that the talented Angela Doran took of me my first few weeks in Austin as well as a roundup of my trip to a super sweet local farm, Boggy Creek!

The post can be seen HERE!

Howdy y'all!

 Greetings from Austin :D

photo cred: Angela Doran Photography

If you're reading this blog, chances are rather high that you fall into one of the following categories (or a few) family, friend, or follow me on some social media platform, so I'm going to just go ahead and assume that you know that I've moved from NYC to Austin, Texas!

If you didn't know, surpriseee!

A lot of people's first question as to why I moved to Austin is "why?" Well really, why not?! I never had it set in my mind that NYC was where I would stay for the rest of my life. I'd always told myself that if that's the way it ended up, that it would be great, but never an expectation. Over time, it became very apparent to me that NYC was not where I was meant to live the rest of my life, so at that point, it was only a matter of when and where would be next.

I've had thoughts of living in Southern California on my mind for many many years, so it was something I seriously considered, and even went out for a visit in February. But nothing was really calling or pulling me there. I felt really indifferent about the idea of moving to California and I figured, one should probably feel pretty strongly about making such a huge move. So I stayed in NYC.

After I'd dismissed the idea of living in Cali, my mind still wasn't fully settled at the idea of living in NYC any longer. Life wasn't really moving anywhere for me, and I felt like the longer I stayed there, the more time I was wasting. I'd been looking for work since January when I was laid off, without any luck. I sent out countless resumes and went on many interviews and never heard back from any of them. If you've never been unemployed before, let me just tell you, this does not do good things for ones self esteem. I've never in my life struggled to find work the way I did these past few months.

It was around April when life had gotten a little rocky, as it does from time to time, that I decided I'd had enough of the bull shit NYC throws at its residents. I had very briefly looked at jobs in Austin and applied for maybe one before I decided to actually reach out to my Austin peeps and find out if moving there with their support would even be a reality. I have one cousin in Austin who outside of Facebook, I hardly knew. I decided to take a leap and reach out to her to ask if I could stay with her while I get adjusted, acclimated, and found a job and a place to live. Because my family is AWESOME, she quickly got back to me with a "yes!" It was only a couple of days later, that I heard back from one of the resumes I'd submitted to a job in Austin and was immediately offered the job over the phone and was asked "how soon can you be here?"
In retrospect, I probably could have been here in a week (thank you unemployment) but I told her I'd need about three weeks to wrap up my life in NYC.

One of my favorite spots to catch the sun setting over NYC

Before I knew it, my life was packed into 3 suitcases, and 20 boxes. What wasn't packed was sold or left on the curb. I had the chance to say my goodbyes to some of my favorite NYC people as well as pack in all the good food I could. After an extremely emotional goodbye to all the ones I loved in NYC, I landed in Austin without any issues.

Some of the greatest people NYC has to offer!

I hit the ground running... I started working for Vega only a few days after landing, I got a car within the first week, I found my apartment in the first 4 days (though I didn't get to move in until mid-June), and I got a full time job at a chiropractors office within two weeks. It was amazing for me to see how quickly everything was falling into place for me in Austin vs. how hard I had to work for everything in NYC.

We work really hard at Vega!

I've got some pretty good helpers at the chiro's office!

I ended up getting a lemon of a car and have since had to buy a new one, but this time, I think I got a great one! Isn't she pretty!?

Now, unfortunately, this means car payments. So my hopes of cutting my 7-day work weeks back is probably far off from ever happening. That being said, I am hoping to grow both my health coaching and my photography business here in Austin. So whether you know me personally and happen to know someone in Austin who could benefit from my services, or you have randomly stumbled upon me and are looking for some senior portraits, maternity photography or need a health coach - please get in touch with me soon!

I'm taking a brief break detox from Facebook at the moment, so I'm kind of hoping I won't be neglecting this blog as much as I have been. I know blogs are a fading art, but I love reading about other people's life happenings and I hope you enjoy reading about mine. I feel writers block often when I sit down to talk about what's happening because I feel like surely, I'm boring you all. So please! If there's anything specific you want to know about me or my life in Austin, please leave me a comment and I'll try to write about it! 

I hope you are having a fabulous summer!