When love goes wrong, nothing goes right

I'm sitting outside on my new patio furniture that I just purchased last weekend. I'd been craving outdoor furniture since last summer and kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a necessity. But the truth is, I want to be outside all. the. time. I may not have the money to pay for it right now (thank you credit cards), but I can tell you for certain that it was a worthwhile purchase.

Today was perfect! I splurged on myself with some highlights after a year of not dying my hair, (yet another purchase I truthfully can't really afford). Before getting to my weekend job, I ran to Whole Foods and treated myself to a $13 salad and enjoyed every bite of it outside basking in the sun, ignoring my phone and reveling in the thoughts going through my head about how good I was being to myself for giving in to what I wanted (highlights) and what I needed (veggies and Vitamin D), patting myself on the back for taking such good care of myself.

Then comes work... Who in their right mind ever wants to work on a Saturday?? Never mind the fact that it was beautiful and 80 degrees! But then I remind myself that working today is an absolute must after dropping borrowed money on my hair and lunch and I continue on with a smile.

Until thoughts of the ex creep in.

It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what song is on the radio, how busy or bored I am. I cannot seem to drown out the loneliness that comes with the period of time following a breakup before one starts to feel whole again.

It doesn't seem to matter what foods I eat; If I drink or stay sober; If I drive into shared territory or stay on my turf; If I look at happy pictures of us or visit his social media pages. The loneliness is there and does not appear to be leaving my side anytime soon.

I'm a big girl. I've done this a time or two, and oddly enough, this wasn't even the worst breakup I've ever had- actually, not even remotely close to it. I know that in time, I will feel whole again. I know that hours, days, weeks and maybe even months will pass before thoughts of that sweet, young, meat cutting, french man will cross my mind. And in that time, when they do, it won't sting like rubbing alcohol on freshly scrapped knees.

The waiting time period game is almost as painful as the loneliness itself.

Today as I was driving home from work with the sun on my face, my windows rolled down, and my hair flapping around like crazy, I started to think about each and every one of my ex's and how sad I feel that each of them are no longer a part of my life. I've dated some awesome people. Even the ones that I'd consider less-than-awesome still hold a tiny fraction of my heart. Even the ones that may have taken my heart and shattered it into a million pieces (at the time) have taught me some extremely valuable lessons that I otherwise never would have learned.

I've had friends say that they're proud of me, or that I am brave to breakup with a person who I still love, when I know that he's not "the one". But let me tell you, what I'm feeling right now is so far from brave, that just might be one of the last words I would use to describe what I've done and how it's effecting me.

I'm so scared.

I have a tendency to give into the "flight" side of things when my world is presented with a "fight or flight" situation. This last guy was, without a doubt, the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of dating. His career path was not ever something I would have wished for my fantasy mate to have, but it was a damn good one that will not only provide for him but will do so for his future family I am sure he'll one day have. I'm terrified that I may have just let go of someone so truly wonderful without ever having another chance with them all because I couldn't see past my list of standards and my laundry list of qualifications I want a guy to check off before he's deemed acceptable.

I can't help but wonder if somewhere down the road I really will meet the man of my dreams and I'll look back on these blog posts laughing at myself and all of my doubt.
-- The other day, my friend told me that before she met her now husband, she had a reoccurring dream about her wedding day. In this dream, two of her more significant ex-boyfriends were there, but neither as the groom. The man she was to walk down the isle and marry was a man she'd yet to meet, but would describe to her mother as "random hot guy". She told me that every time she'd start dating a new guy, her mom would ask her, "is this random hot guy?" Time after time, the answer was no. Until she met the man that she is now married to. Her mom asked, yet again, "is this random hot guy?" and in that moment, she finally realized it WAS him! Now, maybe the seed had already been planted in my head, but I recently had a very vivid dream where I married a man named Josh. So, if your name is Josh or happen to know a Josh who you think would just be perfect for me, please feel free to play matchmaker!

I've also had a very strong feeling that I'm meant to meet and fall in love with Cody Sattler from The Bachelorette.... so maybe my dreams and inclinations don't actually mean anything serious or realistic after all!! ;)

I'm Awesome.

I realized after my last post that my last two entries were about breakups.
As if my entire life revolves around men, my relationships or the lack thereof.
I also felt it cast a very negative tone. And well, it was written in the heat of the moment, within hours post breakup and was very raw and emotional and real- I don't want the overwhelming tone of my blog, or ME to be negative. I'm trying very hard these days to be a happier person and project positivity whenever and however possible.

So you wanna know what?

I AM FUCKING AWESOME! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO BE ME!!!!
(*Thank you, Laura Jack, for helping me create my mantra)

So much of my decision to end my last two relationships was for completely selfish reasons. I knew, deep down, that I was fucking awesome, and that I deserved more.

Last night, I went for my usual Monday night run with a friend and went on and on about my sob story of a breakup and my frustration with no one sharing the truth about ending up childless and alone- and I got slapped by another stick. Damnit Abbey! Buck up! So what if you end up alone?! Okay, so it's not ideal and we'll all hope for the best there with that one. But who ever said I had to end up childless? It's 2015 for Pete's sake! If I want a kid someday well, damnit! I'll have one! I can go to the doctor now and look into freezing my eggs. I can look into sperm donation. I can adopt! While I certainly never saw my dreams coming true by way of scientific experiments or knowingly going into parenthood alone, it's not to say that what I want more than anything in life (to be a mother) is completely out of my reach. Now- can we all please keep our fingers crossed that I'll meet the right man, we'll date for an adequate period of time, become engaged, get married, BE MARRIED for some time, thennnn get pregnant? That's my goal! But I will not sit here and refuse to think about my other options if my "dream" doesn't ever come true.

Enough blah, blah, blah of my relationships and single life and let's talk about why I'm fucking awesome and why I have no reasons not to be more thankful for my awesome life and my happiness...

• I'm raw, I'm real. I'm not afraid to show anyone my true self. I don't hide what's on my mind or what I'm thinking. 
• I'm not afraid to show emotion and laugh when I'm happy or cry when I'm sad (I often cry when I'm happy too! Or when I see exquisite dance or hear profoundly beautiful music). 
• I am brave and bold. I have picked up and moved across the country to a total of 5 (FIVE!!!) different states now. I still have friends that have never even left the town we grew up in! (which I actually think is pretty damn brave and bold in other ways)
• I think about the people in my life all. the. time. Okay, so maybe I worry a bit about what other people are thinking of me sometimes. Meh. Oh well. But that's not what I mean. What I'm saying is I'm constantly thinking about my friends. I want to know how their doing, how their job is going, how their relationships are going for them, how I can be a better friend to them, how I can help them become healthier, how I can be there to photograph the next big moment in their lives. I know that I am not a perfect friend 100% of the time, but I'm damn well proud of the amazing friend I know I am a solid 90-95% of the time. 
• At the ripe ol' age of freshly turned 30- I am a WAY better person than I had projected I'd turn out to be if you had asked me 5-10 years ago. If you'd told me when I was a young lass that I'd one day go to nutrition school to become a health coach to help better others lives, I 1) never would have believed you 2) probably would have totally laughed in your face and 3) seriously doubted you for how that would ever be earthy possible as someone who wouldn't eat anything other than sweets and cheese. 
• I workout, and I make my body work for me. I may not be an Olympic athlete, but damn if I don't put my body through the ringer on a multiple-times-a-week basis. There are days when I could win the gold medal in laziest person on earth. But most days, I show my body appreciation for everything by sweating my ass off and building my muscles to become one fit chick!
• I go to bed at a grandma's hour, and hot damn if I'm proud to admit that!! A solid night's sleep is linked to an infinite amount of health benefits, I cannot fathom why more people do not make 8+ hours of sleep a night more of a priority. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if you go to bed before 11pm! 

Speaking of bedtime, I'm already thirty minutes late for mine (if you're looking at the time stamp on this, you read that right- I go to bed at 9pm! Yeah buddy!!!) so I'm gonna leave it there. What an odd, smorgasbord list of things to leave on the internet to show the world why I'm so awesome. But hey, that's just me. Random, all over the place, loud, weird, crunchy, and, well... me!

Friends, tell me! What makes YOU awesome! If you need any help searching for what makes you awesome, I could easily list at least 10 things for you without much time to think. Hit me up! 

In the mean time, keep doin' you and rock your life! Just be yourself, because really, who is better qualified?? 

Single... again.

I don't know why I don't share here more often. I love to write. But tonight, my entire being is begging me to write, and to write HERE.

Title give me away much? Yup, another failed relationship. Cool.
I ended it so I almost don't feel entitled to feeling sad. But I do. I feel awful. This last guy was great, probably one of the greatest I've dated (if not the greatest). He would buy me flowers randomly for no reason at all; he loved spending time with me, no matter what we were doing; he'd cook me dinner; he liked almost every meal I ever made; he told me I was beautiful; he was passionately in love with me; he wanted me, like all. the. time. -- It was awesome.

Then, it was like one day, I woke up and I was no longer in Dreamland. It was like all of a sudden, I was slapped with the stick that makes one realize that you're no longer a great couple any longer. Okay, maybe that's extreme. I'd like to think that we still were a great couple. But I also realized that he was not fulfilling me in the way that I see the man of my dreams fulfilling me. It wasn't anything wrong with him, he just wasn't "it".

After a very sad, but extremely mature breakup, I'm driving home covered in tears that won't stop coming. I miss him deeply already and he was only in my arms moments ago. Abbey- you asked for this, remember? You've been bracing yourself for this for a while now. Why are you crying?

I'm crying because I'm alone, again. I have few friends in Austin and he was my #1. I'm back at square one of finding my lifelong mate. We met so organically in a way that is almost unheard of these days- I'm terrified I'll never find another guy to make me feel the way he did. I'm terrified I'll never find a guy to make a life with, to start a family with.

When I was in my early 20s (and maybe even my teens) I was so scared about the fact that I was the only one of my friends not experiencing real relationships. I was so scared that I'd never find a man to marry to start a family with. Ten (plus) years ago, people would tell me, "Oh Abbey, you have plenty of time. Just wait- he's out there somewhere just waiting for you".  As time went on, I grew more and more tired of hearing people say this to me. Especially at my lack of relationships and experience and with friend after friend getting married and having babies, I constantly thought, horror of horrors, what if it doesn't happen for me? What if all of these people are wrong?

I can only think of one semi-similar way to compare what I'm feeling right now...
You know how there's women out there who are 110% positive that they do not want to be mothers? I am certainly not one of them, and have a very hard time relating to them considering my ovaries are constantly screaming at me to pump a child out. But that's just it- not many of us can relate to them, because we're not them.

What if: as I've feared since I was a teenager, I really do end up childless and alone?

Why the FUCK is no one addressing this?! Why the hell is no one saying this to me?!
This is not me being negative and pessimistic, this is me being REALISTIC. Let's just be honest: not everyone gets married and procreates. Some choose that lifestyle while others it's simply handed to. Unlike those that choose the lifestyle, I actually try to be in successful relationships. I try to make them work. But, I'm also not willing to settle. If I was, I'd probably accomplish my goals of at least being in a marriage (or at least a relationship) and with a child (or more)- but I wouldn't be 100% happy. If I'd stayed in this most recent relationship, I think I could have lived an extremely comfortable lifestyle. But I don't want just comfortable. I've seen that, and while that's fine for some people, that's not fine for me. I want to be in the kind of relationship where I see two people ridiculously loving each other. My last two relationships have been a step in the right direction and if I'd ended up with either of them, I would have found moments of happiness to enjoy that life. But I want more.

What if I don't get more?

You hear all the time about women and families that are not able to conceive and ultimately don't have kids. Some have come to peace with that while others have a harder time with it.
But why are we never hearing from the older generation about their attempts to be in a committed relationship with a budding family that just never happens? Why is that such a quiet voice?
At some age, do we just learn to accept this life?

I wonder how many of you may be rolling your eyes at these words thinking, "Abbey, you're being so dramatic! You'll be fine"? I know I'll be fine, that's not my point.
But if another friend who is within five years of my 30 tells me not to worry and that it will all fall into place for me when the time is right... I may just slap them. You may be slapped twice if you are A) younger than me or B) younger or my same age, but already married and/or have kids. Because while I love you and your goal of comforting me, your progression in life next to my lack thereof really does not comfort me one bit.

Is this, "unwanted singledom" the new, "I never want kids"? Are the two even remotely comparable? If not, what else could we compare this to? Are you in my same boat where your romantic life is just not taking you where you want to be? Do you ever find moments of peace and solitude in this? Please share! I'm dying to know!!

Thanks for letting me vent, world. I appreciate you being here and wish I could hug every one of you.