Cheers

The thoughts that will soon pour onto this page have been rumbling through my head for going on 8 months now. One minute, I want to shout this from the rooftop and another I feel like it’s no one’s damn business besides my own. For a few months, I’d come to terms with the idea that this was not an announcement worth making to the internet but after hours upon days upon months of careful consideration, I have come to realize just how important this next sentence could be not only for myself, but anyone else who reads it.

I am an alcoholic.

Two years ago, driving home from a baby shower, wasted, I totaled my car. The following day I stepped into the rooms of a well-known 12-Step meeting for the first time ever. Unfortunately, that stint didn’t stick. I lasted a whopping 32 days in the rooms before I decided my relationship with alcohol was not yet over. I went back to the 12 Steps about a year late for approximately 1 week. Yet again, I wasn’t ready to be sober. It wasn’t until April 10th of 2019 that I decided I needed those 12 Steps in my life and was ready to stop drinking. This time, nothing as catastrophic or crazy happened. Nothing other than I’d had yet another guy tell me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me and I decided to numb the pain that comes with a breakup with a bottle (or two) of wine. Downing an entire bottle+ of wine per night was becoming a fairly normal part of my daily routine. I might go a day or two throughout the week where I’d only have a glass or two, but a bottle didn’t last in my home much longer than 24 hours.

When I realized how bad my drinking had gotten, I had this very odd outer body experience where I could see myself sitting on the couch, slouched over from being so drunk. I could see how pale green and droopy my skin was. It had happened a couple of times in the past 2-3 years where I’d start vomiting in my sleep; sometimes someone was there to wake me up, and at least once, no one was there but someone or something was watching over me and I’d be lying on my side and the vomit would land on the floor rather than choking me to death. I knew if I didn’t stop drinking, it was only a matter of time where someone would find me in a pool of my own vomit (or worse) after a night of out of control drinking.

The first 3 months of sobriety were such a rollercoaster. One minute, I’d feel on top of the world and would want to tell everyone I knew that I was getting sober and wanted to help anyone I could from ever consuming a drop of alcohol ever again. Then there would be times where I would scream cry in rage at the fact that I’d had such a rough, frustrating day and I couldn’t relieve those feelings with a glass (or bottle) of Trader Joe’s two buck chuck (my personal drink of choice).

There are certain things one is not supposed to talk about as it pertains to previously mentioned well known 12-Step program  and while I respect the principles that Bill has put in place for us drunks, if it weren’t for my other sober friends being so open about their sobriety, I don’t know that I would have had it in me to even make it to my first meeting [back]. Which is exactly why these words are out in the open for you and anyone else to read. I hope that if anyone I know (or don’t know) is struggling with addiction, you read this knowing that you are not alone, and that sobriety isn’t as bad as you might think.

Thank you to the people I knew from my past who have been open about their substance abuse issues (and their recovery), you helped get me here today. To the family I’ve been able to open up to about this, thank you for loving me in spite of the hot mess I was and will undoubtedly continue to be, even through sobriety. To the people who were hurt as a result of my drinking, I’m sorry. I owe a great deal of people a longer more thoughtful apology and hope to have the opportunity to do that someday.

To anyone reading this who has ever tried or even just considered getting sober, I hope for your sake as well as all of your loved ones around you, that you can find the strength. I won’t lie to you, some days are really, really hard. Some days you’re going to want to say, “fuck it”, and go pick up the bottle. But when you’re ready to fight back against all of that and try this way of life, even if it’s just one day at a time, I will be here for you if you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at or laugh with… Whatever you might be feeling in that moment.

Not every day is sunshine and roses now just because I quit drinking. But as I sit here and write this on the 255th day of my sobriety, all I have is gratitude for everything that led me here and infinite gratitude for everything that has kept me here.

If you were someone who needed to read these words to have the courage to walk into a meeting, I’m thankful this hit home for you. If you are a normy who doesn’t need to work a program to keep your drinking at bay, say a prayer for the rest of us who do need this and be thankful it’s kept us alive.

My BII Story

Since I was a young girl, as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was big boobs.
I got such a schmorgus bord of my parents genes, but the Corbett boobs was not one the good lord blessed me with. It didn't matter to me how many times my big breasted friends would say things like, "you do NOT want big boobs", I didn't believe them and always felt like the grass was greener on their side of the yard.

For approximately a decade, I'd meet with different doctors to determine if they were the ones I'd trust with my hard earned money and my life, to implant me with these magnificent lumps. For a variety of reason, I never pulled the trigger... Until 2015 when I decided that enough was enough and I wasn't going to wait until after I had kids when at that point (and still), it was looking like kids may never happen for me.

When I look at my pre-op and post-op before/after pictures that were taken within 10 days of each other, I already see a noticeable difference in my waistline. I even remember looking at the photo with my doctor afterwards and saying, "wow, I've already gained weight just from a couple of weeks without exercising". He shrugged my comment off and gave me info on when I could start exercising again.

My recovery from getting implants was incredibly hard. Much harder than I anticipated. Most of my girlfriends who I knew who had them all said that they felt more or less back to normal by about day 3 post-op. For me it was much closer to day 10, if even at all, to this day. I used to love running and the first time I tried running post-op I had to stop and walk home almost immediately. This past year I begged my body to get back into running and it fought me every step of the way. Five years ago when I was running regularly, I was running around a 9-10 minute mile and now I'm lucky if I can get down to the snails pace of a 12 minute mile.

It was maybe about a year after I got my implants that I learned about Breast Implant Illness, or "BII". I wish I could remember how I learned about this, but I immediately fell down the rabbit hole of information. To condense what BII is in simple terms, it is our body's way of rejecting a foreign object. At this point, I'd only gained about 20 pounds, but when I saw on the list of symptoms "weight gain, with the inability to lose it", something in me clicked and I knew it was my implants that were the root cause of my thicker frame. At the time of writing this, I have gained almost 50 pounds since I went under the knife and I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I see pictures of myself and unless I've scored some awesome angle, I am disgusted. Even my fingers and my knees look swollen. My KNEES people!

In the grand scheme of things, I count myself as very lucky that my BII symptoms are minimal. Other women suffer far greater than I have. These symptoms have shown up in other women as autoimmune disease, chronic pain, hair loss... The list is a mile long.
On top of the weight gain, I've also had monthly yeast/bacterial infections. I've stopped going to the doctor for antibiotics because I don't think it's any better for my body to be on those every single month. While I previously had depression and mild anxiety, my anxiety has been through the roof this past year and I even had a full on panic attack the summer of 2016. My brain fog and bad memory is so bad I cannot remember anything unless it's written down and even then I'll probably forgot that I wrote it down. Lastly, I noticed a serious uptake in my drinking post-op and not just drinking, but blacking out almost every time. It didn't seem to matter if I had only 2 glasses of wine, or the entire bottle, I wasn't going to remember parts of the night before the next morning. More on this topic in a later post...

On August 4th, 2015, I got 475 cc's of toxic silicone implanted and on August 27th, 2019 I will have them removed by Dr. Rodgers in Katy, TX. Just over 4 years later and honestly, this could not come a minute too soon.

The words on this page did not pour out as eloquently as I'd originally hoped, but I've started and stopped 4 drafts and honestly don't know if any of them are any better than this one. I share all of this with the world NOT for pity or attention. Those that know me well know that while I'm honest when people ask about my implants, I will confirm I have them and talk about them if inquiring minds want to know, but I don't flaunt them like a Playboy bunny. The main reason behind sharing this is because this was not something I knew about before getting them and I can't help but wonder if I'd discovered BII 5 years ago, if I still would have made this decision. We will never know, but I do hope that by sharing this information with you, it will stop at least 1 other woman out there from getting their boobs done. Or maybe even get 1 woman to realize what her implants are doing to her and inspire her to get them removed.

If you're the praying kind, please say one for me this coming Tuesday and if you're not, maybe just throw an extra fuzzy thought into the world. Even if having these removed does not heal me back to where I was 4 years ago, I know that I am making the best decision for my health and my future.

Please ask any questions that have come up for you, I'm an open book!

Shameless

There's a lot to this post's title.
For one, I just realized I have re-watched the same episode of Shameless three times now which may or may not mean that I've consumed entirely too much alcohol over the last 5 days. I'll let your imagination be the judge.

Shameless (the U.S. version) has been brought to my attention by way of my boss at the spa I now work at and I seriously cannot get enough. I feel like it's a legit addiction and that I am seriously a part of these peoples lives. When I don't watch an episode a day, I feel my life is missing something and I fear for the day when I come to the end of what Netflix has to offer.

Moving on...

My life feels so good right now, yet I know it is so far from it. Or is it? I worry way too much about what other people think about me, my life decisions, my financial situation, my love life, my work life. Any of it. All of it.

As of this past Saturday (10/29/16), I am the happiest I've ever known myself to be- yet there is still SO much NOT going right.

I don't blog near as much my heart and hands wish I would- but if you read this (does anyone ever read this? I can't help but wonder if anyone EVER stumbles across this since I certainly don't promote it anymore), you know I went through a painful breakup shortly after turning 30 (so almost two years ago!!).
If you had told me then that that man would ever be back in my life in a significant way, I never would have believed you. I was so upset over how things ended, even though it was I who made it all happen.
Now here I sit, in a apartment that is ours. Yet I have no idea what this means for our relationship or if it means anything at all. I love him so fiercely and when all these plans to live together came about, I had convinced myself that he was not maybe "the one" but most definitely was the end all be all.

Six days later, I am still thankful that he is a major part of my life but now, I wonder... Is this really my life? Why do I have to love him? He started drinking at 1pm and it was a struggle for him to not start even earlier. His alcohol dependency/addiction/adoration was a huge reason why the girl he dated after me broke up with him. At first, I thought perhaps she was being too harsh with him. Now? Now I think she may be right. She may be on to something. I worry about him. About his liver. About his health and overall well being. Jesus... I sound like a battered woman. Fighting for a man who has done her wrong so many times, yet still goes back for more TIME and TIME again. Is it true that we can't help who we love? The heart wants what the heart wants? What is it with him!? Why the fuck do I love him so much? He is so NOT the man I pictured myself to be with, yet I cannot imagine living without him right now and I am SO thankful that we are in this year long lease together so we can now figure out what the fuck we are supposed to do together.

He is in the next room sleeping and all I want to do is go in there, wake him up, and say all of this to him. But I can't. I am so fearful of his rejection that I walk on eggshells everyday just to keep up with whatever ounce of an actual relationship we may have going on.

The night we discussed the idea of moving in together, he confessed that four weeks prior, our "relationship" had gotten a point that felt like a real relationship again and he liked it. So naturally, he freaked out and went radio silent, as you do when you think you might be in love with someone... I, on the other hand, felt the same, yet chose to embrace it. It was the first time ever in my entire romantic life that I had allowed myself to truly be in a casual relationship and didn't care much about how slow it was progressing (probably because I could see that it was progressing). I love(d) this fool so much I was wiling to put my own selfishness of wanting to move things along quicker, aside.

Like I said before, shameless... These are life moments I am not supposed to be proud of, and I realize that, yet I'm currently happy. And honestly... that scares me. Considering the very literal breakdown I had back in August, the very opposite feeling of utter happiness feels more than a little strange.

Why can't life just show its cards and tell me what the hell my future holds. How long is this happiness wave going to last? I'm just waiting for the crash down. Please dear god let it be as slow and gentle as the rise.

Having it all, is just a state of mind

My mind is constantly in motion.
I'm always wondering to myself, "what should I blog about next?"
A moment happens, small or large, mundane or monumental and I think to myself, would people like to read about this experience? Where is the line between over sharing and just the right amount of information? We are living in a world where our phones are rarely more than a foot away from us and our fingers are constantly hovering over the large white dot below the word "photo" or "video", just waiting for the most exciting thing ever to happen to us, all so we can share that moment on one of our many social media platforms to make it look like we live the most awesomeist of lives.

So I sit here and wonder, what to write?

Do I write, yet another post about my breakup and how I'm still hurting deeply? Because I am, but maybe the death of that relationship doesn't deserve my time and words to be shared with the internets anymore? I don't know.

Do I tell you about the quick trip out of Austin I took myself on this past weekend to see one of my favorite country artists, Kacey Musgraves? About how that trip made me feel so empowered and incredibly lonely; happy yet sad, all within mere minutes of each other throughout the entire 24 hours?

Do I confront my lack of confidence in my age and where I'm at in life at the moment? How I've been giving myself pep-talks about the fact that despite the lifetime dream of becoming a mother, I'm finally starting to realize, it just might not happen. And I can't quite decide how I feel about that. Sometimes, incredibly sad. Sometimes, incredibly relieved.

I think I'll go with this...
The day I left for my trip to Helotes, TX, I was packing up my car pumped up on adrenaline from running two hours behind and beyond excited to finally see Kacey live. There was a part of me that felt sadness towards my singledom, but another part of me kept reminding myself that having a boyfriend would not guarantee this trip to be a good time. In fact, for all I knew, a boyfriend could have made it worse! Could have being the operative words here.
I stroll into town just as a street fair is closing down for the day and I ask whether they will be back the following day; to my disappointment, no. I slowly peruse what's left of the vendors and the few shops that are still open. As I get back in my car to check-in to my hotel, I drive past the venue and hear Kacey warming up.... I about died of happiness right there. This town is so dang cute, it's a gorgeous day, I scored some beautiful pieces for my maternity photo shoots (and at a discount nonetheless!) and I'm here, on my own time, on my own schedule, with my own agenda, with no one else to please but myself and I'm frankly quite happy to be alone, knowing that moments like this just would not be the same if shared with another person. As soon as I've checked-in and freshened up, I hurry back to the venue to secure the best spot as close to the front as possible and almost immediately, I'm uncomfortable and so lonely.
I'm sure that they're not, but it feels like everyone is staring at me. Like they just KNOW that I'm there alone.
I do my best to keep an open mind and keep myself open to any and all possibilities for what the night may bring. I couldn't help but think, what if I meet a man here?! What a great, fun story that would be! Maybe I'd make some new girlfriends, should I be so lucky that they happen to live in Austin too! Maybe none of this will matter and Kacey will be an amazing show and the company I'm with (or lack thereof) won't matter at all?!

I tend to not care much for opening bands, but every once in a while, I stumble upon a gem.
And let me tell you, Kacey's openers, Sugar & The Hi Lows, were exactly that, and more.
Their energy on stage was infectious and I couldn't help myself but to bounce around dancing in my small bubble of space to every note (something I probably would not have felt comfortable doing with a man by my side). After the end of one of the first few songs one of the leads says, "I know it sounds crazy for us to play a slow song after that one, but that's exactly what we're gonna do and I hope you like it". It was odd, but I almost just knew that their next song was gonna hit me in all of the feels.
I wasn't wrong, not even a little bit.

Mid-way through their song, "Right Time To Tell You", I'm crying.

I again leap to the belief that everyone is looking at me, so I wipe away my tears as discretely as possible, but they won't stop coming. Music is so powerful, it amazed me how much a brand new song that I'd never heard before could effect me the way it was. I knew there was a song or two that Kacey might play that hits me deep in the feels, but I wasn't expecting this. This one really resonates with how I'm feeling right now around the ex and that whole situation.

After they finish their amazing set, I beeline for the merch table and promptly buy both of the CDs that the band is selling and to my joy, they came up and signed them and I got to have a brief chat with them. Such lovely people and I truly hope to see this band take off.

Kacey finally comes on and she does NOT disappoint. Her voice live is just as good as it is on her CD which seems a rarity these days (sadly). I'm smiling so big and I swear, I haven't felt as happy as I felt in that moment in what feels like forever. I'm just so pleased with everything. My decision to say, "fuck it. I'm buying a ticket to this show and I'll go alone if no one wants to join me". My impeccable taste in good music (humble, aren't I?). My open mindedness to appreciate an artist such as Kacey who has such a unique view on the world. A running list of things that I'm so thankful for in that moment, that I couldn't possibly list them all here. In between songs, she chats with the audience and even though there's about 3,000 of us, it feels so intimate. How this woman is not a bigger star is truly beyond me. I swear if she and Ellen Degeneres were to team up, they could take over the world!

But as the lyrics go, "having it all is just a state of mind".
Of course, she plays the song that is the absolute epitome of how I'm currently feeling at any given moment, "I miss you".

The song is all about having all the stars line up, everything is working out in your favor, life cannot be any better, but there's still something missing: him. If you're asking yourself as you read this, "is she really still talking about her ex/breakup? Does she write or think about anything else??" Right now? No, not so much. It's all consuming and I truly hope that by writing this stuff and getting it off my chest and out of my mind will only help me move on. ***Any prayers and happy thoughts are much appreciated, thanks!***
As the night goes on, I continue to have a wonderful night, but in the back of my head, I know it's bound to be over before I'd like it to be. Thank god for encores, am I right? Her encore was one of the longer ones I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. Not only did she do a few songs without her band, just a capella, but she also previewed a couple of new songs that will be on her new album to be released in June!
Also, she did a cover of TLC's, "Scrubs" and I just about DIIIIIIIED.

I  mean, does it get any better than that?!
Well, I assure you, it did. I left that show on such a high. Not only that, but I felt an odd sense of pride as I was leaving the show walking past other girls who were so wasted that they could hardly stand up. Is it weird that I felt bad for them? I mean, there's no way they'll remember the show as clearly as I did, what a shame for them. But hey, as Kacey says, "so I'll just do me and honey you can just do you"- if that's how you prefer to enjoy live music, more power to you. Thank you for not throwing up on me.

And there you have it, another rambling post from the mind of one Abbey C.
If you hadn't already heard of Kacey Musgraves or Sugar and the Hi Lows, please!! Find them online and enjoy every note and every word. You can thank me later ;)

P.S. I have a date tomorrow night that I'm not actually sure I'm looking forward to and have more or less decided that if this one doesn't work out, I'm deleting my online dating profile and taking a deliberate break from dating to work on making myself [more] awesome. Wish me luck!

Empowered yet still lonely

In the wake of yet another breakup, I've had some serious times of reflection (as my past few pots are evidence of). There are these moments where I feel powerful as fuck! Hands in the air, wavin' like I just don't care, humming a tune of "All the Single Ladies".

That's typically my motto from 6am-6pm Monday through Friday.

Then, the drive home from work sucks- it's a harsh realization that I'm going home to an empty apartment where no one, not even a furry creature, will be there to greet me and no chance that someone will come through the door chiming, "Honey! I'm home!"

Alright, truthfully, this isn't always so bad. Some days, it's awesome, and I actually feel sorry for those that don't get the chance to have more than just a few minutes alone. And with each passing day, the wound of the breakup heals ever so slightly more. The impending visit from my mom just days away to be quickly followed by a visit from a good friend gives me much to look forward to, making the focus on the breakup slightly less.

But then- a blood bath. No really, there was blood everywhere.

This past Friday (ironically, Good Friday) I rushed home from my full-time CA job with just enough time to vacuum my entire apartment in preparation for the previously mentioned visitors when before I knew it, it was time to head off to my second job. With only minutes to spare before rushing out the door, I realized that if I didn't prepare myself a snack, it would be 9 o'clock before I'd get the chance to eat again. So I started toasting my favorite rosemary sourdough from Sprouts and cut open an avocado to schemear on top. I'd successfully coated one piece of toast when I went to remove the pit from the second half of the fruit. I typically use a paring knife, piercing the pit then rotating it to remove it. Only this time, the knife didn't stop at the pit. When I turned it to remove it, instead of staying in the pit, it went straight through and into my hand.

Blood. Everywhere. I scream.

To be frank, I was in more shock and I don't handle blood all that well; but oddly enough, it wasn't the most amount of pain I've ever been in. (I've had kidney stones for crying out loud!)
My mind immediately goes to dollar signs when faced with a serious injury and all I can think of in that moment is, "Is this really that bad? Maybe I could just put some ice and a band-aide on it and still make it to work. I don't really need to go to the hospital."
But the blood just would not stop. I couldn't even see the cut because it was covered in red. I knew I'd need to go to the hospital, but I called my cousin anyway because I was hoping she'd tell me to just throw some ice on it and suck it up. Of course that's not what happened, but drive myself to the hospital??

All I wanted in that moment was help. A partner. Anyone. My mom? My cousin? A boyfriend.
Though I knew it wasn't an injury that would prevent me from having the capability to drive myself to the hospital, going it alone was the last thing I wanted.

I get to the closest urgent care, mascara laden tears streaming down my face. They rush me into a private room and I sit and wait patiently. And by "patiently" I mean sobbing and unable to control the jitters coursing through my bouncing legs. I'm still not entirely sure how this is possible, but while my hand is in an incredible amount of pain, in another way, it's also gone numb. Almost feeling as if it's fallen asleep. Two thoughts immediately rush through my head: 1) This can't be good that it feels numb, I really hope I didn't hit a nerve 2) Being here alone without a loving man by my side might just be the lowest of the low. I thought I knew lonely before. Wow was I wrong.
At this point, I'd say probably 80% of my tears are pouring from my feelings of loneliness.

Now, I don't want to come off as ungrateful- my cousin moved a few things around and was able to load up her kids and meet me to take me home since I was too drugged up to get behind the wheel. And I am so appreciative for that, I really truly am. But am I so crazy for wanting a man to fill that role? I was trying so hard in the midst of it all to remind myself, "Abbey, you can do this. Alone." and obviously, it wasn't that detrimental. I did it. There are very few (if any) things in life that only a man can do or that we truly need a mans help with. For me, it's not about the need. It's about the want. But in the same way that my recent patio furniture purchase was technically a want, it fulfilled a need in me that is very important- the need to be able to experience as much outdoor time as possible.

I'm working on restoring myself to being whole. Without a man. I know that a man does not complete me. Only I can complete me. Much like the stitches in my hand, the hypothetical thread of life is being strung through the needle as I type, with each passing moment, with every letter and word, to bring me back together. My hope is that some day, I'l be able to look back on these posts and have appreciation for the hard times because as much as they suck now, I know deep down that I cannot get to a higher point in life without starting from the bottom of somewhere.

When love goes wrong, nothing goes right

I'm sitting outside on my new patio furniture that I just purchased last weekend. I'd been craving outdoor furniture since last summer and kept trying to tell myself it wasn't a necessity. But the truth is, I want to be outside all. the. time. I may not have the money to pay for it right now (thank you credit cards), but I can tell you for certain that it was a worthwhile purchase.

Today was perfect! I splurged on myself with some highlights after a year of not dying my hair, (yet another purchase I truthfully can't really afford). Before getting to my weekend job, I ran to Whole Foods and treated myself to a $13 salad and enjoyed every bite of it outside basking in the sun, ignoring my phone and reveling in the thoughts going through my head about how good I was being to myself for giving in to what I wanted (highlights) and what I needed (veggies and Vitamin D), patting myself on the back for taking such good care of myself.

Then comes work... Who in their right mind ever wants to work on a Saturday?? Never mind the fact that it was beautiful and 80 degrees! But then I remind myself that working today is an absolute must after dropping borrowed money on my hair and lunch and I continue on with a smile.

Until thoughts of the ex creep in.

It doesn't seem to matter where I am, what song is on the radio, how busy or bored I am. I cannot seem to drown out the loneliness that comes with the period of time following a breakup before one starts to feel whole again.

It doesn't seem to matter what foods I eat; If I drink or stay sober; If I drive into shared territory or stay on my turf; If I look at happy pictures of us or visit his social media pages. The loneliness is there and does not appear to be leaving my side anytime soon.

I'm a big girl. I've done this a time or two, and oddly enough, this wasn't even the worst breakup I've ever had- actually, not even remotely close to it. I know that in time, I will feel whole again. I know that hours, days, weeks and maybe even months will pass before thoughts of that sweet, young, meat cutting, french man will cross my mind. And in that time, when they do, it won't sting like rubbing alcohol on freshly scrapped knees.

The waiting time period game is almost as painful as the loneliness itself.

Today as I was driving home from work with the sun on my face, my windows rolled down, and my hair flapping around like crazy, I started to think about each and every one of my ex's and how sad I feel that each of them are no longer a part of my life. I've dated some awesome people. Even the ones that I'd consider less-than-awesome still hold a tiny fraction of my heart. Even the ones that may have taken my heart and shattered it into a million pieces (at the time) have taught me some extremely valuable lessons that I otherwise never would have learned.

I've had friends say that they're proud of me, or that I am brave to breakup with a person who I still love, when I know that he's not "the one". But let me tell you, what I'm feeling right now is so far from brave, that just might be one of the last words I would use to describe what I've done and how it's effecting me.

I'm so scared.

I have a tendency to give into the "flight" side of things when my world is presented with a "fight or flight" situation. This last guy was, without a doubt, the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of dating. His career path was not ever something I would have wished for my fantasy mate to have, but it was a damn good one that will not only provide for him but will do so for his future family I am sure he'll one day have. I'm terrified that I may have just let go of someone so truly wonderful without ever having another chance with them all because I couldn't see past my list of standards and my laundry list of qualifications I want a guy to check off before he's deemed acceptable.

I can't help but wonder if somewhere down the road I really will meet the man of my dreams and I'll look back on these blog posts laughing at myself and all of my doubt.
-- The other day, my friend told me that before she met her now husband, she had a reoccurring dream about her wedding day. In this dream, two of her more significant ex-boyfriends were there, but neither as the groom. The man she was to walk down the isle and marry was a man she'd yet to meet, but would describe to her mother as "random hot guy". She told me that every time she'd start dating a new guy, her mom would ask her, "is this random hot guy?" Time after time, the answer was no. Until she met the man that she is now married to. Her mom asked, yet again, "is this random hot guy?" and in that moment, she finally realized it WAS him! Now, maybe the seed had already been planted in my head, but I recently had a very vivid dream where I married a man named Josh. So, if your name is Josh or happen to know a Josh who you think would just be perfect for me, please feel free to play matchmaker!

I've also had a very strong feeling that I'm meant to meet and fall in love with Cody Sattler from The Bachelorette.... so maybe my dreams and inclinations don't actually mean anything serious or realistic after all!! ;)

I'm Awesome.

I realized after my last post that my last two entries were about breakups.
As if my entire life revolves around men, my relationships or the lack thereof.
I also felt it cast a very negative tone. And well, it was written in the heat of the moment, within hours post breakup and was very raw and emotional and real- I don't want the overwhelming tone of my blog, or ME to be negative. I'm trying very hard these days to be a happier person and project positivity whenever and however possible.

So you wanna know what?

I AM FUCKING AWESOME! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO BE ME!!!!
(*Thank you, Laura Jack, for helping me create my mantra)

So much of my decision to end my last two relationships was for completely selfish reasons. I knew, deep down, that I was fucking awesome, and that I deserved more.

Last night, I went for my usual Monday night run with a friend and went on and on about my sob story of a breakup and my frustration with no one sharing the truth about ending up childless and alone- and I got slapped by another stick. Damnit Abbey! Buck up! So what if you end up alone?! Okay, so it's not ideal and we'll all hope for the best there with that one. But who ever said I had to end up childless? It's 2015 for Pete's sake! If I want a kid someday well, damnit! I'll have one! I can go to the doctor now and look into freezing my eggs. I can look into sperm donation. I can adopt! While I certainly never saw my dreams coming true by way of scientific experiments or knowingly going into parenthood alone, it's not to say that what I want more than anything in life (to be a mother) is completely out of my reach. Now- can we all please keep our fingers crossed that I'll meet the right man, we'll date for an adequate period of time, become engaged, get married, BE MARRIED for some time, thennnn get pregnant? That's my goal! But I will not sit here and refuse to think about my other options if my "dream" doesn't ever come true.

Enough blah, blah, blah of my relationships and single life and let's talk about why I'm fucking awesome and why I have no reasons not to be more thankful for my awesome life and my happiness...

• I'm raw, I'm real. I'm not afraid to show anyone my true self. I don't hide what's on my mind or what I'm thinking. 
• I'm not afraid to show emotion and laugh when I'm happy or cry when I'm sad (I often cry when I'm happy too! Or when I see exquisite dance or hear profoundly beautiful music). 
• I am brave and bold. I have picked up and moved across the country to a total of 5 (FIVE!!!) different states now. I still have friends that have never even left the town we grew up in! (which I actually think is pretty damn brave and bold in other ways)
• I think about the people in my life all. the. time. Okay, so maybe I worry a bit about what other people are thinking of me sometimes. Meh. Oh well. But that's not what I mean. What I'm saying is I'm constantly thinking about my friends. I want to know how their doing, how their job is going, how their relationships are going for them, how I can be a better friend to them, how I can help them become healthier, how I can be there to photograph the next big moment in their lives. I know that I am not a perfect friend 100% of the time, but I'm damn well proud of the amazing friend I know I am a solid 90-95% of the time. 
• At the ripe ol' age of freshly turned 30- I am a WAY better person than I had projected I'd turn out to be if you had asked me 5-10 years ago. If you'd told me when I was a young lass that I'd one day go to nutrition school to become a health coach to help better others lives, I 1) never would have believed you 2) probably would have totally laughed in your face and 3) seriously doubted you for how that would ever be earthy possible as someone who wouldn't eat anything other than sweets and cheese. 
• I workout, and I make my body work for me. I may not be an Olympic athlete, but damn if I don't put my body through the ringer on a multiple-times-a-week basis. There are days when I could win the gold medal in laziest person on earth. But most days, I show my body appreciation for everything by sweating my ass off and building my muscles to become one fit chick!
• I go to bed at a grandma's hour, and hot damn if I'm proud to admit that!! A solid night's sleep is linked to an infinite amount of health benefits, I cannot fathom why more people do not make 8+ hours of sleep a night more of a priority. Trust me, the world will not stop turning if you go to bed before 11pm! 

Speaking of bedtime, I'm already thirty minutes late for mine (if you're looking at the time stamp on this, you read that right- I go to bed at 9pm! Yeah buddy!!!) so I'm gonna leave it there. What an odd, smorgasbord list of things to leave on the internet to show the world why I'm so awesome. But hey, that's just me. Random, all over the place, loud, weird, crunchy, and, well... me!

Friends, tell me! What makes YOU awesome! If you need any help searching for what makes you awesome, I could easily list at least 10 things for you without much time to think. Hit me up! 

In the mean time, keep doin' you and rock your life! Just be yourself, because really, who is better qualified?? 

Single... again.

I don't know why I don't share here more often. I love to write. But tonight, my entire being is begging me to write, and to write HERE.

Title give me away much? Yup, another failed relationship. Cool.
I ended it so I almost don't feel entitled to feeling sad. But I do. I feel awful. This last guy was great, probably one of the greatest I've dated (if not the greatest). He would buy me flowers randomly for no reason at all; he loved spending time with me, no matter what we were doing; he'd cook me dinner; he liked almost every meal I ever made; he told me I was beautiful; he was passionately in love with me; he wanted me, like all. the. time. -- It was awesome.

Then, it was like one day, I woke up and I was no longer in Dreamland. It was like all of a sudden, I was slapped with the stick that makes one realize that you're no longer a great couple any longer. Okay, maybe that's extreme. I'd like to think that we still were a great couple. But I also realized that he was not fulfilling me in the way that I see the man of my dreams fulfilling me. It wasn't anything wrong with him, he just wasn't "it".

After a very sad, but extremely mature breakup, I'm driving home covered in tears that won't stop coming. I miss him deeply already and he was only in my arms moments ago. Abbey- you asked for this, remember? You've been bracing yourself for this for a while now. Why are you crying?

I'm crying because I'm alone, again. I have few friends in Austin and he was my #1. I'm back at square one of finding my lifelong mate. We met so organically in a way that is almost unheard of these days- I'm terrified I'll never find another guy to make me feel the way he did. I'm terrified I'll never find a guy to make a life with, to start a family with.

When I was in my early 20s (and maybe even my teens) I was so scared about the fact that I was the only one of my friends not experiencing real relationships. I was so scared that I'd never find a man to marry to start a family with. Ten (plus) years ago, people would tell me, "Oh Abbey, you have plenty of time. Just wait- he's out there somewhere just waiting for you".  As time went on, I grew more and more tired of hearing people say this to me. Especially at my lack of relationships and experience and with friend after friend getting married and having babies, I constantly thought, horror of horrors, what if it doesn't happen for me? What if all of these people are wrong?

I can only think of one semi-similar way to compare what I'm feeling right now...
You know how there's women out there who are 110% positive that they do not want to be mothers? I am certainly not one of them, and have a very hard time relating to them considering my ovaries are constantly screaming at me to pump a child out. But that's just it- not many of us can relate to them, because we're not them.

What if: as I've feared since I was a teenager, I really do end up childless and alone?

Why the FUCK is no one addressing this?! Why the hell is no one saying this to me?!
This is not me being negative and pessimistic, this is me being REALISTIC. Let's just be honest: not everyone gets married and procreates. Some choose that lifestyle while others it's simply handed to. Unlike those that choose the lifestyle, I actually try to be in successful relationships. I try to make them work. But, I'm also not willing to settle. If I was, I'd probably accomplish my goals of at least being in a marriage (or at least a relationship) and with a child (or more)- but I wouldn't be 100% happy. If I'd stayed in this most recent relationship, I think I could have lived an extremely comfortable lifestyle. But I don't want just comfortable. I've seen that, and while that's fine for some people, that's not fine for me. I want to be in the kind of relationship where I see two people ridiculously loving each other. My last two relationships have been a step in the right direction and if I'd ended up with either of them, I would have found moments of happiness to enjoy that life. But I want more.

What if I don't get more?

You hear all the time about women and families that are not able to conceive and ultimately don't have kids. Some have come to peace with that while others have a harder time with it.
But why are we never hearing from the older generation about their attempts to be in a committed relationship with a budding family that just never happens? Why is that such a quiet voice?
At some age, do we just learn to accept this life?

I wonder how many of you may be rolling your eyes at these words thinking, "Abbey, you're being so dramatic! You'll be fine"? I know I'll be fine, that's not my point.
But if another friend who is within five years of my 30 tells me not to worry and that it will all fall into place for me when the time is right... I may just slap them. You may be slapped twice if you are A) younger than me or B) younger or my same age, but already married and/or have kids. Because while I love you and your goal of comforting me, your progression in life next to my lack thereof really does not comfort me one bit.

Is this, "unwanted singledom" the new, "I never want kids"? Are the two even remotely comparable? If not, what else could we compare this to? Are you in my same boat where your romantic life is just not taking you where you want to be? Do you ever find moments of peace and solitude in this? Please share! I'm dying to know!!

Thanks for letting me vent, world. I appreciate you being here and wish I could hug every one of you.

Unique, New York

There's been so much on my mind lately that I've been wanting to share, but have felt like I don't quite have the words for. I'm not sure if even now, I have the words for it, but I think I'm finally ready to at least try.

Social media is a beast. It can make you feel on top of the world (like on your birthday when you get 100+ notifications, messages, etc. of people wishing you a happy new year of life) and it can also make you feel like you are completely alone in this world.

I feel like there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to what content people share online. Those that are at the bottom of a barrel who bad mouth all the people in their life who piss them off and/or are doing them wrong; and the people that project only the bits of happiness that happen in their life.

While I have respect for the former, no one likes a Debbie Downer and chances are if you are that person, you've lost a few followers. Hell, I've BEEN that Debbie before and have probably lost people. Maybe I'll loose people for the words that proceed this...
But what about those that are only projecting the happy tid bits from our lives? What is it that we're wanting other people to think of us when we post a gushing status update, check-in at a super hip restaurant or are tagged in a picture with a smile that's bigger than the sun eluding to the fact that we're just having the best. time. ever.? Are we really as happy as we're showing off?

I highly doubt I have any/many random followers on this blog that don't actually know me personally, so you probably already know that I'm a pretty blunt/honest person. Well here you have it folks, for all that may have been wondering- I'm not that happy. Please don't pity me or feel bad for me at all, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I want to stay true to myself. I want 1) to remain honest and 2) to share openly what's going on with me in the hopes that it will resonate with someone else out there who is feeling similarly to me.

In comparison to how unhappy I was my last few months in NYC, okay sure, maybe I'm happier now. But my struggles were different then than they are now. What had me down back then (being unemployed and freezing) aren't the same as what's got me down now.
I moved to Texas because in NYC, I felt like I was at the bottom of a dirty barrel and the walls were so slimy and covered in muck that I couldn't even grip to get myself out. I recognized that my "fight or flight" instincts were kicking in and in theory, I was running away from my problems. But I also felt like I was so low, that getting myself out was not possible in NYC. I felt it was necessary to leave to be able to work on myself. I knew that I wouldn't leave my depression and any of my problems in NYC and didn't think that Texas would be instant and forever bliss, but I knew I needed to escape to start improving. I knew that moving would be hard. I knew that there would be a lonely period with very few friends. I knew that I'd get frustrated with getting lost and not knowing where I was, from time to time. I knew there would be things about NYC that I hadn't even thought of, that I'd miss when I'd least expect it. I knew I'd feel like I missed out on events and gatherings with my friends. I knew I'd miss my boyfriend. But as I expect childbirth to be, it all was a pain that I wasn't fully prepared for until I actually went through with it and let me tell you, it was harder than I expected.
*Did she really just compare moving cross country to childbirth?? Yup.*

I am so lucky that I had family here just outside of Austin who were generous enough to let me live with them for six weeks while I got my footing. I am lucky in that I had at least one friend already living here from NYC who knew first hand my struggles with leaving the city. I am lucky that I knew a friend from high school who was happy to catch up and include me in the life he'd spent the last 4+ years building in Austin. All of that aside, it was still tremendously difficult. (I wish I was more of a "glass half full" kinda girl, shit, I really do. I'm working on it. And some days, the glass is more full than empty. But as every word above is already eluding to, I'm more of a "half empty" kinda gal, unfortunately.)

Unsurprisingly, one of the hardest parts for me was being away from my boyfriend. Of course I knew going into this decision that it was NOT going to be easy. And the complete body shuttering sobs as I left him at the airport were no indication that it would be anything other than hard-as-fuck. What we failed to do as a couple embarking on a long distance relationship was discuss in detail what me moving away would do to us. We left it all up to fate and (stupidly?) agreed that we would just let it all play out the way it would and would take it day by day. It hadn't occurred to me until it was too late just how important it would be to me to have a time limit on how long we would go without seeing each other or a game plan to meet up next time.  I hadn't put thought into the fact that I was burning through my savings to pay for all the moving expenses and would not be able to afford flying back and forth to see him every other month. He had tentative plans to be in Austin for work shortly after my move and rather than firming that up or making other, more concrete plans, I went along with the push and pull of the uncertainty.

Relationships are hard enough as it is. When you throw distance into the mix, it only makes it that much harder. I left without us having a game plan of how long this distance would keep us apart. We'd discussed it briefly in the days leading up to my departure, but him being at the height of his career, it wasn't easy for him to predict where he would be and where life would take him in the next 1-3 years. I believe that there's probably no good time to be in a LDR, but I venture to guess that as you are peaking in your career and need to make sound business decisions is likely not one of the better times. As frustrated as I feel sometimes that he didn't choose me over his career or make me more of a priority, I can't fault him for it either. I admire his determination to get where and what he wants in his business.

If you haven't figured it out by now, or don't already know, our relationship did not stand the test of distance. It's been 4ish months post breakup that I initiated/asked for and it's still incredibly painful. I didn't end the relationship because I stopped loving him or started loving him any less. Quite the opposite actually. I ended it because deep down, despite loving him so much, I wasn't getting what I want from a relationship and what I feel I deserve. I don't mean to bad mouth him and hope that's not how I'm coming off because he deserves so much credit for how wonderful of a person he was and still is. For me, the hardest part of coping with this breakup has been is nothing went wrong. He didn't cheat. I didn't cheat. He didn't hit me. I didn't say mean things. He didn't stop having affection for me. I didn't stop loving him. It just came to a point where I realized that we were in different places in our lives and to continue to stay together would me great sacrifices on one persons part and we both felt that the things we stood firm on were not worth the sacrifice. Am I going to tell you the exact specifics of what broke us up? No. He and I know and a handful of my closest friends know and that's enough. I share so much of myself so openly, but I don't hate him. I'm writing this as therapy for myself and hopefully helping others, not to hurt him or air out our dirty laundry.

One thing that I really love in life is to be this open, honest person. I love sharing my life on social media and platforms such as this blog. Writing about this has been on my mind for months now and as I said when I started, I just haven't been able to find the words. J, I hope if you ever read this that you do not feel angry or frustrated with me for sharing bits of our personal lives and struggles with everyone. It's just that, I've been feeling like such shit for so long now and after doing a lot of work to get myself back to a happier place, I'm learning that what I'm feeling is not just okay, but normal. Just because I'm the one that asked for the breakup does not mean that I'm not allowed to feel sad about the situation. I am grieving the loss of a wonderful man and the best relationship I've ever had and it's ok that I'm struggling. I am human. I have feelings and am really working on honing my skills in actually feeling those feelings and not suppressing them in worry that I'm making someone else uncomfortable.

If you have any advice for me on gaining happiness, coping with a cross country move or moving on post breakup, or anything else for that matter, I would love to hear from you! If you are going through any major life changes and are struggling with the way you're feeling, I'm here for you if you want to comment/email/call/etc. If this blog reaches even one person who is struggling and feels like they aren't sure what to do with all of the emotions and crap that they're feeling, I hope my words have helped. If you're just nosey and like to know what's going on in my life, that's fine too, I like a good creeper ;)

Chat with y'all later! xo

Boggy Creek Farm

While you're sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog post (c'mon, I know you are!) take a gander on over to my Achieving Healthy Blog and see some fresh (no pun intended) new shots that the talented Angela Doran took of me my first few weeks in Austin as well as a roundup of my trip to a super sweet local farm, Boggy Creek!

The post can be seen HERE!

Howdy y'all!

 Greetings from Austin :D

photo cred: Angela Doran Photography

If you're reading this blog, chances are rather high that you fall into one of the following categories (or a few) family, friend, or follow me on some social media platform, so I'm going to just go ahead and assume that you know that I've moved from NYC to Austin, Texas!

If you didn't know, surpriseee!

A lot of people's first question as to why I moved to Austin is "why?" Well really, why not?! I never had it set in my mind that NYC was where I would stay for the rest of my life. I'd always told myself that if that's the way it ended up, that it would be great, but never an expectation. Over time, it became very apparent to me that NYC was not where I was meant to live the rest of my life, so at that point, it was only a matter of when and where would be next.

I've had thoughts of living in Southern California on my mind for many many years, so it was something I seriously considered, and even went out for a visit in February. But nothing was really calling or pulling me there. I felt really indifferent about the idea of moving to California and I figured, one should probably feel pretty strongly about making such a huge move. So I stayed in NYC.

After I'd dismissed the idea of living in Cali, my mind still wasn't fully settled at the idea of living in NYC any longer. Life wasn't really moving anywhere for me, and I felt like the longer I stayed there, the more time I was wasting. I'd been looking for work since January when I was laid off, without any luck. I sent out countless resumes and went on many interviews and never heard back from any of them. If you've never been unemployed before, let me just tell you, this does not do good things for ones self esteem. I've never in my life struggled to find work the way I did these past few months.

It was around April when life had gotten a little rocky, as it does from time to time, that I decided I'd had enough of the bull shit NYC throws at its residents. I had very briefly looked at jobs in Austin and applied for maybe one before I decided to actually reach out to my Austin peeps and find out if moving there with their support would even be a reality. I have one cousin in Austin who outside of Facebook, I hardly knew. I decided to take a leap and reach out to her to ask if I could stay with her while I get adjusted, acclimated, and found a job and a place to live. Because my family is AWESOME, she quickly got back to me with a "yes!" It was only a couple of days later, that I heard back from one of the resumes I'd submitted to a job in Austin and was immediately offered the job over the phone and was asked "how soon can you be here?"
In retrospect, I probably could have been here in a week (thank you unemployment) but I told her I'd need about three weeks to wrap up my life in NYC.

One of my favorite spots to catch the sun setting over NYC

Before I knew it, my life was packed into 3 suitcases, and 20 boxes. What wasn't packed was sold or left on the curb. I had the chance to say my goodbyes to some of my favorite NYC people as well as pack in all the good food I could. After an extremely emotional goodbye to all the ones I loved in NYC, I landed in Austin without any issues.

Some of the greatest people NYC has to offer!

I hit the ground running... I started working for Vega only a few days after landing, I got a car within the first week, I found my apartment in the first 4 days (though I didn't get to move in until mid-June), and I got a full time job at a chiropractors office within two weeks. It was amazing for me to see how quickly everything was falling into place for me in Austin vs. how hard I had to work for everything in NYC.

We work really hard at Vega!

I've got some pretty good helpers at the chiro's office!

I ended up getting a lemon of a car and have since had to buy a new one, but this time, I think I got a great one! Isn't she pretty!?

Now, unfortunately, this means car payments. So my hopes of cutting my 7-day work weeks back is probably far off from ever happening. That being said, I am hoping to grow both my health coaching and my photography business here in Austin. So whether you know me personally and happen to know someone in Austin who could benefit from my services, or you have randomly stumbled upon me and are looking for some senior portraits, maternity photography or need a health coach - please get in touch with me soon!

I'm taking a brief break detox from Facebook at the moment, so I'm kind of hoping I won't be neglecting this blog as much as I have been. I know blogs are a fading art, but I love reading about other people's life happenings and I hope you enjoy reading about mine. I feel writers block often when I sit down to talk about what's happening because I feel like surely, I'm boring you all. So please! If there's anything specific you want to know about me or my life in Austin, please leave me a comment and I'll try to write about it! 

I hope you are having a fabulous summer!

IIN Health Coach {in training}

I am soooo late posting this, but it's been on my mind for at least 3+ months.

Back in June sometime, I enrolled at The Institute for Integrative Nutrition's July 2013 class. IIN’s year long, comprehensive curriculum covers over 100 dietary theories and combines counseling techniques with real-world business training. Its unique nutrition philosophy takes a holistic approach to wellness and encourages students to consider relationships, work, exercise, and spirituality as essential to building good health.

IIN's mission: 

Our mission is to play a crucial role in improving health and happiness, and through that process, create a ripple effect that transforms the world.

By June of 2014 (once I pass all my tests and graduation requirements), I will be a certified health coach! There are so many things that have brought me to wanting this. There's no possible way I could cover them all (plus you'd get bored, I'm sure) so I'll just review what I feel are a few the top reasons that lead me not just to  enrolling but having this burning desire to join the health and wellness industry in attempts to change myself as well as many others.

• I want to become a more health conscious person. I am my first client. If you know me at all, you likely know that I'm the pickiest person. Ever. I know I need to eat vegetables and do better for myself, but for whatever reason, it's been a battle. I've been doing SO much better in the past few years (if you don't believe me, go back and read my posts from 2009 talking about what I was eating vs. my posts about what my meals are like now).
• I have worked in the health & wellness industry a little bit the last few years and I see a huge disconnect on what these "professionals" are preaching to their clients vs. what they are actually doing in their own lives. Some of what they are telling their clients is so far off base, I cannot comprehend how on earth they deem what they're saying as acceptable. It's apparent to me that the education they are verbalizing is straight from a Google search and not from any proper schooling. 
• I feel constantly surrounded by unhealthy people. Some of these people KNOW what they should do to help themselves, and they just don't do it. Some literally just don't know that what they're doing is bad for them and the long term negative effects it has on not only them, but the rest of their family and their own lives. 
• I want to gain understanding as to why I often feel tired and sick. I know for at least 98% certainty that it has to do with my diet, but what exactly is the culprit?
• I want to be able to help those closest to me, achieve optimal health. I already have a lot of friends and family come to me for advice and with questions and I'm so excited to finally be able to have real, educated answers for them!
• I want to be known as an educated professional and not just someone with strong opinions from personal experience. Completion of this school is going to be such an accomplishment for me!

One of the things that I love so much about this school, that I hadn't even considered a part of my health prior to enrolling, is that they teach what they call "primary foods". It's everything that feeds you in life, but doesn't come on a plate. We wrap it up in four categories: Relationship, Spirituality, Career, and Exercise.

I cannot begin to tell you how much happier I feel since having started this program. Really evaluating each aspect of my life, and working to create a balance in each area. I am working daily on my happiness, and it feels so good to see how effortless it can actually be! I feel confident in saying, that this very moment is the happiest I think I have ever been. Of course, I still have areas of my life which I wish to improve, but I'm taking the steps to get there and know it will happen eventually. 

I've been brainstorming a lot about what I want my "niche" to be and I have a lot of really great ideas, but that will have to wait for a later post since I still haven't decided for 100% just yet. Thankfully I still have about 6 more months before I need to lock that down :)

Thank you so much, for taking the time to read through this post and learning more about what I've been doing the past few months. Please feel free to comment or contact me directly if you have any questions you want to ask! I hope you have a very happy and healthy day!

xoxoxoxo

- Abbey 

Happy 3 year anniversary to me and NYC!

Ho. Ly. Shit.
I have lived in New York City for exactly three years (plus a few days now). Is anyone else as shocked and surprised as I am?! Not to say that I thought I'd have left by now (maybe some of you thought I would have. Ha! Joke's on you!) I just can't believe that it's already been three years.

Time has absolutely flown by. If I'm being perfectly honest, it feels more like 5 years.
Let's recap a bit and relive some of my "for better or for worse" New York City moments...

Number of neighborhoods I lived in: 5
Number of roommates I've lived with (total): 11*/12 if you count Beefcake ;)*not including the entire Brownings staff for the summer of '11 & '12
Number of jobs I've had: 4
Number of best friends I've made who have moved back home: 4 (sad face)
Number of times I've been mugged: 0 (yay! go me! not all my friends can say the same...)
Number of celebrities I've seen: 20+ (I think I'm forgetting about a few)

I know it's kind of silly, but each year, I like to do something to celebrate the anniversary. My first year, I went out with some of my teammates to 123 Burgers Shots Beers, it was all very last minute, thrown together, but a fun evening none the less. Last year, for my second anniversary, I was "living" in Southampton working for the gym. I don't even remember if I did anything, but I don't think I did. Something about not actually being in the city... it didn't feel right.
But this year, I wanted to make sure that the occasion was celebrated. And it seemed only fitting to spend it with the person who has been in on this crazy journey with me since day 1, my great friend from high school and old roommate, Alaina. About 9 months to a year before my feet landed on the streets of NYC, I called Alaina and said something like "I know in high school, you talked a lot about wanting to move to NYC... Do you think you'd still wanna do that? Yes? Great. Let's go!"

It also seemed to make the most sense to spend this day with one of the greatest friends I have had the honor of making since I moved here, and her supremely amazing husband, Tanya and Danny. Tanya and I met through "ladies who brunch" meetup and have been best friends ever since.

I asked them all to meet me in Central Park's Sheep's Meadow and that I'd be there with pizza from my favorite pizza joint and champagne. We spent the afternoon indulging in said goodies along with the fresh meats and cheeses, cheesecake and berries that my "party guests" brought with them. Before it was time to part ways, I ended up hopping on Danny's bike for my first official bike ride in NYC! (yes, I own my own bike, but I've never ridden it IN the city)
After letting all of the food settle and a quick catnap I decided to get off my lazy butt and get in a sunset run, even though I had come to terms with taking a rest day.

And I'm so happy I did. It ended up being a beautiful run and I got to explore new areas of Riverside Park that I'd never been to before!

All in all I'd say that my 3rd NYC anniversary was a success.
Thank you to everyone that I've met here who have helped write a piece of each page of this crazy story. I've been told that NYC has a notorious "three year itch" so I'm eager to see what the next year brings along and what will happen for me in the next three years.

Pssssst! Did you notice that my blog got a little face lift? It's still currently under construction, but will become more and more solidified in the coming year. I now have TABS! You can browse through even more parts of my life by clicking on each of them. Definitely take a look at the "health coach" tab in the near future as that tab will surely see some significant growth :D

If you build it, he will come

In light of recent events, I have decided to take a bit of a risk and put online, in public, for all the world to see, what I'm looking for in a man.  Call it my "field of dreams" list, if you will. In no particular order these are the things I hope to find in the man of my dreams someday-

• Not a night owl *doesn't need to be an early riser like me, but I don't want to be with someone who regularly sleeps until noon
• Wants kids someday (preferably at least 3) *I'm not in a rush, but I need to know it's not off the table
• Artistic/creative *even if he just likes to build/fix things around the house... that's hot. 
• Sensitive *I'm not looking for a cry baby, but I need someone that can express their feelings
• Athletic/physically fit *I don't have a rock body, and don't expect my mate to either, but I do enjoy working out and would love to find someone that would enjoy staying in shape together
• Funny 
• Doesn't hate cats *I mean, Beefcake isn't going anywhere anytime soon... 
• Not a heavy drinker/party-er
• Non-smoker (weed or tobacco) 
• Drug free 
• Romantic
• Good communicator 
• Affectionate *I'm 100% for PDA and have learned from past relationships how incredibly important this is to me
• Enjoys traveling
• Has goals and ambitions *they don't need to be the same as mine, as long as he has them!
• Likes my cooking
• Has good manners
• Has his own circle of friends *I don't want to be the only person he ever hangs out with, and vice versa
• 5'9" or taller *sorry I'm not sorry for having this on my list
• Likes to cuddle *along with the PDA, I've realized this is something I don't think I could live without!

Now listen, I'm sure if I had written this list 10 or even 5 years ago, I'd probably be on the floor laughing about what was on my list. So this is just a list of current wants. I expect that in the future my wants and needs will change as I change, and there's nothing wrong with that. If we didn't grow and change, what a sad world this would be! Now come on Mr. Right! I'm ready to meet you! ;)

Gabriel's high school graduation

So my little brother Gabriel just recently graduated high school....
I love each of my siblings equally, and for very unique reasons, but the relationship that Gabriel and I have built is something special to me. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that makes it different, but I guess I wouldn't be able to pin point it with Noah or Anna either.
I still remember, as if it were yesterday, the moment I found out I'd be getting a little brother. I was on the phone with my dad, sitting in the hallway (Weird, I know. No idea why either) of our apartment on Cherry St. in Flagstaff when he told me he had big news. My step-mom was pregnant and I'd soon have a little sibling that would be almost exactly 10 years younger than me. Due to the nature of school schedules and living in different states, I didn't get to see Gabriel for the first time until he was almost 6 months old. But that's another moment I'll never forget.

I flew in late that night, and my dad assured me that Gabriel would be sleeping by the time we would be home, and I wouldn't get to see him until the morning. Lucky for me (not so lucky for Andrea) he didn't feel like going to sleep on time that night and was awake when I got in. It was love at first sight.
I remember taking my new role as big sister, very seriously. I had always been the youngest up to this point, so this was a big deal. I remember time and time again, trying to prove myself to Andrea that I could not be more of a perfect big sister.

Sadly, there are a few memories burned into my brain proving exactly the opposite of that... Like the time I left scissors on the bedroom floor for him to play with after wrapping some gifts (don't worry, nothing detrimental happened) or the time I was cooking and set him on the counter while I turned around to grab a spoon and heard a THUMP as my little brother's head hit the floor when he fell off. Or most recently, when I yelled at him (via email) for not telling me first that he had chosen his college and I found out via Facebook. For all of this, the countless other mistakes I've made, and the infinity more that I'm bound to make in the future (hey, I'm only human)- I'm sorry Gabriel. I love you more than words can say. Thankfully, Gabe is one of the sweetest, warmhearted, forgiving guys I've ever known!

Since I was living in Arizona for the better part of his young baby life, when I moved to Oregon, I tried my hardest to make sure that he and Noah knew I was their sister, and how much I loved them.
Side note: No joke, when he and Noah were very young, they asked Anna when I wouldn't be spending the night anymore, and when I'd be going home.... They didn't quite understand that I was their sister too and not just a friend of Anna's around to spend the night for a while hahaha
I loved spoiling them at Christmas, on birthdays, any chance I got. One of my favorite memories was when I took Gabriel to his first concert. I loved that we both shared a love for pop-country music, but specifically the Rascal Flatts. I was so excited when they were on tour in Portland right around his birthday- it could not have been a more perfect gift for me to give and share with him.

One of the ways that Gabriel and I have always been able to bond over was our passion and enjoyment in many things athletic. He started swimming at a very young age and really took to competitive swimming as he got older. I loved that anything athletic that I found interesting, he would always give it a shot with me, so I was never alone. It was a great day when we both ran our very first 10K race together on Thanksgiving Day.

I love his little webbed toes! No wonder this kid is such a great swimmer!

There's not too many things that I miss that greatly about Oregon, but I'm definitely glad I decided to go back there after leaving at the age of 9. I'm so thankful that my brothers were a big driving force behind my return. One thing I miss about living in the same city as them is the little every day moments that I got to share with them. Things as silly as going to the pumpkin patch with the entire family.

Then on to bigger more monumental moments, like when he graduated 8th grade. To me, it wasn't so much a big deal that he was graduating 8th grade, as it was "Holy crap- my little brother is about to start high school!".

While North Carolina and NYC are not exactly next door neighbors, it's been so nice having them on the east with me and it makes getting "home" so much easier than it probably would have been if they were to have stayed in Oregon. I felt really honored when Gabriel asked me if I would fly down to be the one to take his senior pictures. Ummm... duh. Yes. without hesitation. I'll jump at a trip home any chance I can get! But this was most definitely a moment I wasn't going to pass up. I couldn't imagine seeing someone else take his senior pictures. He's such an awesome brother too, he hooked me up with not just one, but TWO of his high school buddies to do their senior pictures as well!

The weekend of his graduation was a quick one, but a great one. It started the day before the actual graduation ceremony with a Convocation awards ceremony where many of the kids in his class are given a slew of different academic awards. When I had asked both my dad and Gabe prior to the ceremony if he would be winning anything they both chuckled and said "Doubtful." Well, little did Gabriel know, he WOULD be winning an award, and a rather honorable one at that! Gabriel was the recipient of the Maureen B. Gerhardt Award during Convocation. This award is made in memory of Maureen Gerhardt, GDS parent and trustee, and given to a member of the Upper School who best exemplifies the values of honor, personal integrity, responsible citizenship, and service to the community. His teachers nominated him because of his willingness to help his fellow classmates on projects, as well as his dedication to our arts program as a vital member of the stage crew. The moment my dad, step mom and I all realized that this superior kid that the Dean was explaining, was Gabriel was an emotional one to say the least.
Thankfully, the graduation ceremony the following day was much less emotional and really a lot of fun.

This post is already about at it's max for cheesiness, so I'll try to reel it in.
Gabriel, I just want you to know how proud of you I am. It was so much fun walking around Elon's campus with you, you really seemed to know your way around and I loved seeing how fired up you are about going there next year.

I have a lot of confidence in you and know you'll do great. I cannot wait to see what twists and turns life takes you through, but know that I'm always here for you if ever one gets to be a little tough.
I love you so, so, so much! And don't forget to keep in touch ;)